Mirrored

Chapter 4 - Kaya

New Chapter 📣📣📣

⚠️Warning: Mentions of drugs and substance use as well as negative self talk are explored within this chapter. Please take care of yourselves and read what is most comfortable for you.

How are you feeling about this story so far? Does it hurt? Are you curious for what is to come?

I hope you are curious bcoz I can't wait to share more of these two!

But for now, I hope you enjoy this chapter 💖💗💖
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"I want to explain how exhausted I am. Even in my dreams. How I wake up being tired. How I'm being drowned by some kind of black wave."

- Elizabeth Wurtzel

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Sleep wasn't something that came easily to me.

I was always a light sleeper. I awoke to anything and everything. And it didn't help that when I do sleep, I was reliving that moment in my sleep either.

Over time, my body had adapted itself to live with a few handful hours of sleep. Some days I went without sleeping at all. It was easier that way. Besides, it wasn't like I was going to die because I skipped a few nights of sleep.

So here I was at the top of a hill, observing the sunrise, smoking my stash. If little Kaya saw me right now, she may as well have cried and thrown a temper tantrum. Perhaps she would have a heart attack. Who would've guessed the girl who was strict with rules and lived the stereotypical sunshine persona to the T, was now a drug addict, a substance abuser.

Finding comfort in it.

Finding peace in it.

It was pathetic. I knew that. It was the coward's way out. I knew that. It was what people with aimless lives and no purpose does. I knew that.

I was pathetic. I was a coward. And generally speaking, my life held no value or purpose.

Who cares? I certainly didn't.

Four weeks, two days, a handful of hours.

That was my time limit until my sister graduated and would be starting a life of her own. My mother had started planning to go back and continue her treatment at the comfort of her home. I asked my mother's side of the family to check on her every now and then.

When my sister graduates I will be free. Once that countdown reaches zero, I would end this life once and for all.

I take another drag, filling my lungs with chemicals and feel the effects.

Feel a little lighter, more calm, more stable.

It was one of the few things that made me feel numb in better ways. But it wasn't easy obtaining it. I couldn't get it from my organization for obvious reasons, I couldn't get it from the Russian's due to Minori's influence and I couldn't get my hands on any and all sides of the Italians. I don't even know why in that regard, but this world was always interconnected somehow.

So, I had to pay a little extra and get my hands on them from back alleys where a lot of my job is done. It didn't matter how shitty the quality was, if it does the job, then it does the job.

I was about to take another drag, when my heart rate quickens, my skin prickles, and my drag was stolen from my fingertips.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to take this? Do you not understand what this does to you?" He crushes it within his palm without flinching or reacting. Crazy person.

Of all people, I had to be caught by him. Why can't it be Kaito, his best friend and righthand man or even Minori? Why does it have to be him?

"I do, and that is why I am taking them. I only take small amounts and I never cross the line." I retort before realising once again, I was in no position to do so. If he tells me off, I was supposed to bow my head down and robotically reply yes. That was what was expected of me. I close my eyes, not wanting to see the wrath in his. He may often hide his inner emotions, but I do see them from time to time. Lately, it was usually disappointment.

Not surprising. Nor was it unfamiliar. Disappointment seemed to be everyone's normal when facing me.

But closing my eyes wasn't going to solve the problem. He would just wait until I open my eyes. Might as well open them now.

So I do, expecting the same disappointment in his eyes but was taken back when I find something similar to concern.

No, you're making up things. Why would he even care about you, let alone be concerned for you?

"I can't trust you. Unless you are going to your mother's you will stay with me. Unless I am aware of what you are doing, you will stand behind me. That is an order, Kaya. No excuses." He gets into my face. "Do I make myself clear?"

He was not in his right mind. What the hell was he thinking about?

"I can't just stand behind you. No one trusts me. No one wants me near you, let alone stand behind you." I blurt, equally intruding his personal space. "You can't expect me to just stay with you. No one wants that."

"Then do you have a better solution?"

"I promise I won't cross the line." I say, shaking my head. "You know I have done my job well and I was completely sane. I'm still sane. These don't affect me with a few drags. Just trust me."

His eyes darken, and pierces right through mine.

I messed up.

"How am I supposed to trust you when you continuously decide to leave me?" He begins, his voice increasing in volume. "How am I supposed to trust you after the second time you decided to betray my trust and tried to kill yourself again? Hm? How am I supposed to trust you after each and every time I find you unconscious and on the verge of death?"

He doesn't care. He's only saying that to make you feel guilty. He left you too.

But he's the reason why Hikari and Mom were still living. He's the reason why our family was excused.

"Fine. If the people around you agrees and is fine with my presence, then I'll stay." I say. I was almost 100% certain that there will be people who would disagree and scream and yell saying my family and I weren't worthy of being alive.

They are right of course when it came to me. I didn't even want to live.

"That's where you're wrong. They will listen and follow my demands. Not the other way around." He states, his eyes so sure.

I was screwed more than ever before.