Neverending

25

'It's you,' I say, half-closing my eyes against the sunlight.

She smiles. 'Mmhm'

I try to open my eyes, because the girl in front of me is all I want to look at. But it's so bright and I think I've forgotten to wear sunglasses. I move my face closer to hers.

That's better. I notice her freckles, only visible at close range.

There's something I've wanted to say to her, for weeks, really. I keep putting it off but... it's starting to feel like it has to be soon.

I think it has to be now.

'Juliette, I -'

'Shhh.' She leans forward and places a kiss right there on my lips.

As always, I feel slightly dizzy as my heart picks up speed.

It's obscenely difficult to pull away from that kiss, but urgency is kicking me in the shin.

I draw away. Juliette looks momentarily confused.

Now that the moment's here, I am one hundred percent stuck. Whatever I say is going to sound desperate and poorly thought out and -

The sunshine seems to dial up ten times, forcing my eyes closed again. I cover my face, attempting to squint at the sky. The light is blinding. But it's not sunlight, it's -

  - 

I jolt awake, heart racing. I can still see that iconic cloud shape, an unnatural reddish-brown colour - the universal symbol of hopelessness and terror. I stare out of the window at the real sky and take in the reassuring blue, dotted gently with cirrus clouds. I feel my senses return to normal as my heart rate slows. I try to grasp the last wisps of my dream – as terrified as I was, she was right there. My dreams have always had an almost better-than-life quality. I mean, I'm actually there, and it's actually real. I sometimes toy with the idea that my dream life is as real as my waking one but of course, that's nonsense. There's no follow on from one dream to the next; no cause and effect. And yet, sometimes the things that happen there are hard to shake. I glance again at the sky. I yearn to have Juliette close beside me, as she was only seconds ago.

I feel further away from her than ever. It feels like I am losing her.

'It's not over, yet, Tinder.' I pep talk myself, as I breathe in some resolve. I can fight to keep what I have, or at least, try my damnedest. Cursing my brain's ability to hold more than one belief simultaneously, I am at the same time half preparing myself for the reality that Juliette may not want to be kept. I'm not sure I'd understand why, but who ever does? Endings can wear you down, over time, but they can also turn around and smack you in the face. Neither feels particularly good, but mostly, neither are avoidable, if that's the collision course you're on.

So: I'm prepared to do what I can. Before I can do anything, though, I do actually need to find Juliette. If nothing else, some conversations need to happen when you're in the same room as someone. I catch myself hating the idea of having one of those conversations. But if I'm prepared to ask her to Twin, I think I need to be emotionally intelligent enough to prepare for whatever her answer might be.  I'm starting to think the answer to that question might be the least of my worries - I've ricocheted from, Is she ready to commit? to Does she even want to be with me?  Which feels both surreal and unwelcome.

My agenda today is largely the same as it was yesterday. Find Juliette. Find my family. Happily, I feel a lot closer to the second part. A shadow flickers across my momentary levity as I remember the odd conversation with Seb yesterday.