A Ghost of Snow

27. Don't be Strong

It had been snowing in Cloud Recesses for the last three days, making it harder and harder for people to go about their day normally. It was the middle of fall and it was getting colder than the actual winters. Though gossiping was forbidden, it didn't stop people from doing just that.

There was a young lady sitting in the back hills, her robes as white as the falling snow, a beautiful but sad tune reverbrating from the ice flute pressed against her lips.

Lan Wangji watched her from a distance contemplating whether he should or should not go and talk to her. It wasn't really easy for him to talk to people but the situation they were in right now, he deemed it necessary that he speak to her and walked closer to her.

He cleared his throat in order to gain her attention but to no avail. He sighed and sat beside her on the ground, this seemed to bring her out of her trance. "Hanguang-Jun", she bowed in a stiff manner like his own when he acknowledged her with a little nod of his head. Although his own heart was in turmoil, he had noticed that Baixue looked like she was in constant confusion trying to make sense of things in the past few days which in turn had turned his brother's smile upside-down. Contrary to what most people believed Lan Wangji cared deeply about people around him, he noticed things that others might just pass as normal. His older brother had always had his back ever since they were little and he was thankful for him, he also wanted to do something to lessen his brother's worries which had led him to where he was currently sitting.

It was silent for a long time before, he finally said, "What is it that's bothering you?"

Baixue looked at him in a daze before averting her eyes to look down on the ground that was covered in a thick layer of snow. She didn't know what was bothering her, she didn't feel good, maybe she was worried, maybe she was just sad, she didn't know. All she knew was that Master Wei had been sleeping for three days and she wanted him to wake up, she wanted to talk to him, she wanted him to laugh and smile like he did when they first met months ago.

"You are sad, aren't you?", Lan Wangji looked at a distance, "Because you can't tell when he's going to wake up anymore."

When she still didn't reply or even move, he said in a firm voice that left no room for argument, "Look at me."

When she finally did look at him, there were tears in her eyes, it looked like the ice in her heart was finally melting, she was starting to make sense of her own emotions. Looking at her, Lan Wangji realised that it wasn't that she was just sad, she felt guilty, it wasn't her fault though. Maybe she had gotten used to always knowing how Wei Ying was so now that she couldn't, it left her with a sense of emptiness and self-blame especially when Wei Ying fainted after setting her free from the curse and hadn't woken up in days.

He sighed as he prepared himself to speak. He understood well enough that what he was about to say could very well backfire and make the situation worse if he was to mess up and not convey his words as intended. He contemplated his next words very carefully as he mimicked Wei Ying placing his hand on her head, "Little Snow." That caught her off-guard as her eyes widened slightly and she stared at him with her doe eyes, "It's not your fault. Even if you insisted Wei Ying wouldn't let you give up your life for him, that's how he is. There is nothing to blame yourself for. There is nothing to be sad about either. Wei Ying wouldn't want that for you."

"Hanguang-Jun", she said, her voice laced in emotion for the first time in years, "Are you trying to comfort me or yourself by saying all that? You are scared. You are as sad as I am and you are blaming yourself just as much as I. You don't know if he'll wake up because no one can tell you what is wrong with him, because he doesn't let anyone in.", she paused for a moment, turning to look at a distance and continued, "What is the use of being strong, if it means to never let yourself depend on people? Aren't you two the same? Is it really that good to shut people out. Isn't it just like being a coward, not even facing your own problems, let alone tell anyone else about them? Aren't you in love? Can't even tell him that? Then what is the use of loving him, if he doesn't know? What is it to him that you care, if you don't tell him? How does it matter if in the end, he dies thinking that he was never loved or wanted?"

Her words surprised him, he knew she was right, he was indeed afraid, what if Wei Ying doesn't even talk to him after he tells him that he's in love. Isn't being friends good enough? He didn't know anymore.

"What you said is right. Maybe I am a coward, but that doesn't mean you should be one too.", he stood up and turned around to leave, but stopped to look at her, "Wei Ying wouldn't want that either."

"What do you know about what he wants? Did he ever tell you? What do you know about him except his name? A few days back you didn't even know how old he was? Does he ever tell anybody about what he wants?"

Lan Wangji froze in his spot hearing her, he knew that she wasn't trying to aggravate or hurt him, she genuinely wanted to know, only trying to make sense of the newfound emotions that whirled in her heart. "We can talk while walking. It's good that it stopped snowing already.", Baixue looked at her hands and then in the sky, it had really stopped, putting her flute back on her waist, she nodded as she moved to walk by his side.

"He didn't tell me but I know. I may not know how old he is or if there is someone who he confides in or what colors he likes but I do know that you are his little sister and you are important to him. He left his own clan for people, he had no relationship with, they weren't even friends really. He went against the world for Wen Qing who helped him once. He was blamed and targeted for doing so and yet he stood firm and refused to let her feel that it was her fault that he was being shunned. What reason does he have to want for you to feel that way? It is no use being strong really.", he looked at her firmly with his golden eyes, "So, don't be strong. That's not what Wei Ying wants.", he walked a little further and spoke again, "That's not what I want either."