The Intruders

Chapter Two

FOR THE PAST year, I have become very acquainted with the feeling of guilt. It follows me like a shadow. I wake up next to it, it keeps a cloud above my head even on the sunniest of days, and it reminds me when I'm smiling that I am the reason that multiple people no longer are.

Every time I hear a gun shot, I see Elijah, his eyes rolling backwards. I feel the heat from candles and I'm reminded of Jacob falling into the flames. I sink into the bath and I remember Kayla. I throw a knife and every time it lands in Taylor's skull. I close my eyes and I see my mother; again and again and again. The blood staining her hair. I hear R's screams at night, they keep me awake. That's what haunts me the most.

Whenever I wash my hands, I still see the blood of thousands staining my skin. Even capturers as evil as they come; I'm still responsible.

I've given up on being sociable. I turned every single meeting or party into a feel sorry for Mavis parade. I let Sam braid my hair, and Luka brings me food. Cassie tells me about her day, but I never reply. She always leaves with an 'I love you' and sad smile. My father has tried to build bridges, but I guess, it must be difficult to try and rekindle a relationship when one party is drowned out.

Whenever I catch myself in the mirror I see the difference. Sunken eyes and cheekbones; ribs that never showed themselves. My muscle disappearing day by day. I look like the old Mavis. I feel like the old Mavis.

Every night when I'm alone is when it hurts the most. It feels like bricks lying on my chest, and I can't breathe. I resort to crying, and eventually it's like for the night the bricks have melted away from my tears. But that's when the screaming starts, and it hurts again. Ringing through my ears and shaking my bones.

If we didn't go to Saxet, R would be alive.

If I wasn't born; so many people would be alive.

Half of me I wishes for R to be alive so I could have the future I was promised. To have his comforting touch, or his whimsical ways. But I know that is selfish, but it's what I crave. They say that time can heal, but this wound is bigger than anything a dash of salve will fix. It's been a year and the only comforts I have found have been with a bottle of rum. (I gave up on whiskey after my birthday.)

I know the others are worried about me, especially Cassie. She's been trying to get me to talk; saying she's read some books and consulted Lyton and the best thing for me would be to get it all out. But every time I open my mouth a sob comes out. I think she's just getting tired of it now. I think... they're all getting tired of it now.

I look in the mirror today, a candle lighting the room. I can touch my thumb and my index finger when they're wrapped around my upper arm. I cry at that too. I've never felt so weak and tired in my life.

I place my elbows against the sink, shoving my face into my hands, letting out a little cry. That's when there is a knock at the door. I wipe my tears quickly, beckoning for whoever it is to come in.

I see Luka's face. He gives me the smallest smile yet. I think it even pains Luka to not be fully bright. I wipe my nose as I feel it slither down my face. Luka gives out a small snort, and I laugh slightly in reply.

But the voice in my head starts again, and I want to place my hands over my ears and beg for it to stop.

"Will you join me?" Luka asks as my smile falls. He holds out a hand, and I place my shaking one in his, giving him a small nod.

He squeezes my small hand with his warm one. I can feel him shudder and I don't want to know whether that's at my icy cold skin or my bones. He leads me out of the bathroom, down the stairs, being patient as I take my time.