The Tattooed Flower

22. What If?

November 7th

Caleb-

"Checkmate." I said.

"I really don't think this is fair." Staring at the board, she tries to rationalize how on earth I keep winning. "You're taking advantage of my chess-virginity." She pouts crossing her arms over her chest.

I laugh at her, "Lip-virginity, chess-virginity, how many types of virginity could you possibly have?"

"A lot." She finally looks up at me, eyeing me with blatant contempt.

"Are you mad at me?" I prodded, smiling as I walk over to her and pull her from her chair.

"Infuriated." She smirks and gently she presses her lips to mine only to then steal them away from me.

"Bedtime?" I ask watching her yawn.

"Bedtime." She answers.

We stand to together and make our way to the bedroom. Her hand knocks against mine as we walk and I remember the first day I met her, in that stupid community bathroom on undoubtably the worst night of her life. I wonder what she thought of me the first time she looked at me. She was probably appalled or scared or both. But what if we didn't meet? Who would I be?

"What if we didn't meet?" I ask.

Green eyes stare back at me, their eyebrows knitted together in confusion and a sliver of disappointment.

"I'd be in prison." Turning away from me she walks into the bathroom. I follow her. "What if we didn't meet?" She asks, not looking at me, instead shoving her toothbrush in her mouth.

"I'd be a whore, maybe have an accidental baby on the way with Trisha." She doesn't smile. "What if I didn't let you stay after I knew the truth?"

Spitting out her tooth paste she turns to me glaring. "What if I didn't stay?" Her arms are crossed over her chest and I realize how entirely over this conversation she is.

"I'm sorry."

"What do you want from me, Caleb?" She shoves past me, sifting though her dresser for pajamas.

"Nothing I just..."

"You just want me to say how much I need you. Don't you? Is that what you want?" She stares at me, her lip curling in anger.

"No! No, thats not what I want!" I set my hands on her shoulders and try to settle this. I didn't think she'd react this way, why would this make her so angry? "But... I mean... What's wrong with me wanting you to need me?"

"Do you think that I need anymore reminders about how totally indebted I am to you?" She hollers back at me, shoving my hands off of her shoulders.

Indebted...

"Look, I know, okay? I know. I know how much I owe you and I... Hate... myself for it." She breathes deeply and walks out the door, Taz following her, head bowed and sad.

***

Quinn-

I sleep on the couch. Correction, I go to the couch, but I don't sleep. He can't stay with me. It's not good for him. I'm not good for him. What if I get caught? I don't want him to spend his life waiting for me. I want him to have a life. What if he wants to get married? I couldn't do that to him. I could never marry him. There's no future for him with me and he deserves a future. He deserves to have such a beautiful future.

A few months ago, when I was still in school, still a junior in high school with hopes to have a bright future, Sydney had a boyfriend. Sydney always had incredibly high standards, which for a long time, I thought was a bad thing. Her boyfriend, Aaron, was a good guy. He was a really good guy. He loved her and he always let her know that he did. Football, though he was very talented, wasn't his life. Aaron was balanced, the star of the football team with a 4.0 GPA and a full ride to almost any college in the United States, and all of that was before he got a 36 on his ACT's. He was perfect and kind, but Sydney wasn't happy.

"Reliability, trust, attraction, and understanding... They're the basics of any relationship." I always loved to hear her talk about her relationship with Aaron. They were perfect, at least I thought so. "With Aaron I have trust, attraction, and understanding, but there's no reliability."

I remember that I had been so confused. What part of Aaron was unreliable? "I love him and he loves me and thats all great but we don't have a future. He wants more than I do. He'll go places and do so many amazing things, but thats not for me, I like where I am and I don't think I'll ever leave. But he has to. He has to leave. I don't want to be the one who holds him back."

I hadn't really understood her at the time. I'd always wanted to leave. Now, I've found a place that I'll never want to leave, but I still have to go.

Go. Go. Go...

I peak in the bedroom door and find Caleb asleep. Tears drips down my cheeks and I usher Taz through the doors and watch him scramble onto the bed at Calebs feet. I close the bedroom door, trapping Taz in with Caleb.

I find a piece of paper and try to think of a way to thank him, what could I possibly say?

I write the only thing I can think and I hope desperately that he will understand.

Take care of him.

- Q