Beat Of My Heart

Chapter Twenty: Preparation

So there was money, but I still had no idea where it had come from. Nate wouldn't tell me, saying it was against some policy at the hospital to tell me. Unfortunately, he chose now to start following the rules. 

It was the moment I had been waiting for. It really was the last step of recovery: getting rid of the last pain that remained. 

If I was fully recovered though after this, I would be leaving the hospital. Was that really what I wanted? 

I was going on my third month in a hospital, which most people would consider a depressing situation. I had no where to go after this now. The only option was moving to Florida to live with my dad. Nothing felt more like home to me then this hospital, which was probably the strangest thought I've ever had. 

"You ready for tomorrow?" Nate asked, coming in to my hospital room as though he was reading my thoughts.

I shrugged, "I guess so." 

"You guess?"

"I'm just a little worried. I just want everything to go well," I said, revealing my doubts about what would happen after the surgery. 

"We have the best surgeons in the west coast. No need to worry about stupid things like that," he tried to reassure me. He didn't know that that wasn't exactly what I was worried about. 

"If you say so," I tried to smile.

I had been spending more and more time at Nate's apartment. Ever since Anthony had died, the hospital had actually started to have that depressing feeling about it. It was the first time I had felt it at the hospital. The empty bed in my hospital room was a constant reminder of Anthony's permanent absence.

It was taunting and treacherous at the same time. 

To make matters worse my dad had called earlier to talk to me about the surgery. He was using soothing words, trying to relax and ready me for it. He said he wished he could be here for me, but work had held him up.

He hung up before I even got a chance to ask him where the money came from.

I really hated not knowing things.

Especially about what I was going to do after this. Something that had consumed my life was about to be all over and done with in just a matter of time.  Did I want to go to medical school, and be a nurse? That had never been my dream before, but things had changed a lot since three months ago.

I remembered what we all had in mind back then. Jaden wanted to be a fashion designer. Lynette was going in to cosmetology. Cassidy wanted to be a veterinarian. Logan is planning on going in to firefighter training, and still is planning on it as far as I knew. I hadn't really talked much to him since his last visit. 

At least there was good news during bad times. Just like the news of my surgery funding.  Lizzie was feeling good enough to be sent home. I hadn't spoken with her since the funeral, and I hoped she was doing better. That was good news for sure. 

"Stop thinking so hard before you hurt yourself," Nate chuckled.

I jumped, remembering that he was still in the room. I blushed. 

"What were you thinking about?" he asked.

I shrugged, "A lot of things."

"I wish I could read your mind. It would make things so much easier."

"'I'm glad you can't," my voice coming out more harsh than I meant it to. He detected my sadness almost immediately. 

He stared, "What's wrong?" 

I shook my head, "Nothing, really." 

"Are you hungry?"

"No, I'm fine."

"Thirsty?"

"No.."

I loved Nate's perfectly sweet personality. He was trying to make me feel better. 

"What is it then?" He pressed. I knew he wouldn't give up until he knew what was really bothering me.

"It's just...I don't know. I wish there was a guarantee that everything would end up okay after tomorrow. The surgery is really the least of my worries. I want to get in to college, I need a place to stay, I want to see Lizzie again..."

I trailed off, realizing the list could go on forever if I allowed it too.

Nate rolled his eyes before chuckling. "You worry so much. Do you ever just relax?"

"When I'm a retired grandmother, with five children, fifteen grandchildren, and rich than I'll be relaxed. Until then, things aren't going to change much," I smiled.

He smiled back, "Five children?"

I shrugged, "I like kids. Don't you?"

"I love kids. I wish my parent's would have had a bigger family so it would not have been just me and my brother Ethan growing up."

"Hey, it is better then being an only child," I said, referring to myself. 

He laughed, and agreed. Being an only child was so boring.

"I wish Anthony was here," I said, a mere whisper. I don't know why I said it, because it was only going to upset us both. It just slipped out because it was the truth. Thinking about children meant thinking about Anthony. They were one in the same. 

"Anthony is probably a lot happier where he is now," Nate said.

"Do you believe in ghosts?" I asked Nate, genuinely curious. 

He looked at me, and grinned. "I believe in spirits. I guess that is the same as ghosts, but just not the evil kind that come back to haunt you." 

I laughed. Anthony must have been in a great place, but he was missing out on so much.  He would never make it in to professional baseball. Unless they had a league up in heaven, which I kind of began to hope for. 

I miss Anthony.

So that was how we spent the rest of the day, before my surgery. Talking and laughing about things that could happen.

Nate even helped me get a head start on my summer school. At this pace, I would be completely ready for college by the fall, with a high school diploma in hand.

I couldn't wait for college. It was supposedly the funnest time of your life. There was another option also: I could move out of the hospital and live at the on campus dorms.

I had plenty to think over.

For now, I was enjoying my time here with Nate in the hospital, laughing about stupid things that weren't actually that funny.

I enjoyed every second, knowing that my time here at the hospital was coming to an end very soon.

Sooner then I thought.

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*Edited 2013