Kind Crimson Eyes

K

My fingers move routinely across the keys. At this point, it's become more muscle memory than really knowing how to play.
I've played this song so many times I stopped hearing it altogether. However, when I play it now, it feels different. The melody has a new meaning, a new purpose. I no longer play for the sake of satisfying my boredom. I play for something else, someone else.

As my hands caress the keys through the decrescendo, I hear a faint bump from outside the door through the quietness of the notes.
I stop playing and get up from the piano bench to look out into the hallway.
I can't see anyone through the peephole, so I slide the chain lock on the door and open it to look.
I poke my head out and look down the right side of the hall.
Empty.
I turn and look left and a small mass on the floor catches my eye.

It's Shinji, fast asleep.

I crouch down and look at him for a moment, unsure of what to do.
He looks so peaceful, but he can't be comfortable out here. I wonder why he's sitting out here alone. He had to have heard me playing. Why didn't he knock? I'd have let him in in a heartbeat.

I make up my mind and lift the smaller boy into my arms. He rests his messy brown head of hair on my shoulder, but doesn't stir.
He must be so exhausted..

Without thinking twice, I carry him gently to my bedroom.
I open the door to the darkened room with my foot and walk over to the bed, setting Shinji down softly so he doesn't wake.
I quickly go back to close the front door and turn off the lights in the living room.
I'm already in my pyjamas, so when I get back to my room I crawl into bed beside the softly breathing boy.
I pull the covers over both of us and make sure he's completely covered.

I lay with my eyes closed for a long time, unable to sleep. Too many things are raging through my mind.
I think about the conversation we'd had earlier about loneliness. The way he described it made me realize I've probably been feeling that way for most of my life. Though, that empty feeling isn't there when I'm with Shinji.

I also think about how Misato had reacted to knowing Shinji had been out all day without checking in.
What emotion was that?
I know a few emotions, like happiness and sadness, as well as anger. I don't know if I've ever truly experienced those feelings. But I'm slowly beginning to differentiate between them. Observing others' emotions helps a lot, especially Shinji's. His emotions are very easy to read, even if he never speaks his thoughts out loud. Though, other people's emotions are harder to read. Like Ayanami's or Mr. Ikari's for example.

All of a sudden, breaking my train of thought, I hear Shinji sniffle.
His breathing becomes a little broken and he whimpers quietly.
I turn to look at him and see the lights from the window reflecting the tears flowing unevenly from his eyes.
Is he crying? Why is he crying? A bad dream? Im not sure how to help him without waking him up. I've never had a nightmare before...

I reach over and wipe the tears from his warm face with my thumb. I caress them gently from his cheeks and chin, careful not to wake him.
My hand then moves up to softly stroke his hair. I want to comfort him but I never really learned how. My parents were anything but comforting.

Shinji continues to weep quietly in his sleep. It causes a strange ache in my chest and stomach. Is it normal to feel this way from someone else's feelings?

I decide to move closer.
I slide myself over to Shinji and wrap an arm around him, pulling him gently to me. 
I stroke his hair again and press my forehead to his, feeling his warmth.
I lay here for a while, keeping completely still, and slowly but surely his breathing slows and deepens again. 

I smile to myself in the darkness. All I want is for Shinji to be happy and feel safe. It feels to me as though this is somehow destined to be. 
I close my eyes and feel the rise and fall of Shinji's breaths.
Shinjis presence makes me feel something I'd never felt before. It's hard to describe. It's a pleasant, warm feeling. 

Is this what they call love?