nepenthe [jin centric]

ch. 15

nepenthe
ch. 15

(wish)

a toy grandfather clock sways its pendulum slowly in the dim corner of the kitchen. it is careful not to disturb the rhythm of trance it has induced through seokjin's peripheral vision. it is always here of course. it's always the kitchen. maybe the gloom came from the surplus of knives all across the counter tops. or maybe it was simply the knowledge that he was skilled with them.

treacherous.
don't think.
don't think about that.

(just wish)

wish?

there are so many things he wished would work out.

he wished jimin would not squint in displeasure at the prospect of filling his belly with energy that it begged the rest of the boy's body for. he wished jungkook's shoulders wouldn't despairingly tighten as warm arms of affection wrapped around them because he hadn't believed he worked hard enough for it. he wished namjoon would quit taking the blame for every damn problem that aroused, as if being a leader also meant being the sole perpetrator in every situation that went wrong.

the toy grandfather clock sways. it mocks him to continue, for it can only listen.

he wished taehyung wouldn't let such intense waves of emotion plague the true intention behind his every action. he wished hoseok would stop forcing that painfully false smile on his face whenever he suffered, all because he believed his main purpose was to brighten the atmosphere. he wished yoongi didn't lock himself into his studio and claim he was working, as if no one could clearly hear the desperate attempts to soothe the tornado that fueled the vigorous beating of the drums in his chest.

yes, he did wish for a plethora of things.

(perhaps it is selfish to ask
for so much when the world
owes him nothing.)

but no matter how viciously one can dream of different pathways, seokjin is never granted the power to neither wish away life nor start a new life. he may only endure.

endure and endure. that's all you may do. all you may do. you may not decide out of the blue to cut the strings you tied to both yourself and your consequences by making stupid, demented, destructive decisions. by being a shit excuse for a person. you may not. you may not.

seokjin's fingers might have been trembling for minuets until he realized how dangerous it was for him to not have roped his heavy mind in one peice. it was a mess of scrambled emotions, fragments of memories from different periods of time all having a negative effect on him in one way or another. everything he's ever done wrong. everything

hatehATEHATE-

the gleam of the knives is suddenly (very frighteningly) appealing, but he wouldn't dare put his members through such pain again. he wouldn't dare.

...
or would he?

Seokjin's brain scrambled for peace in a typhoon. And when it doesn't get what it wants, it turns to apathy.

he mutters to himself with lips barely moving, "spoiled child."

why had he done it? why hadn't he finished it? the contradictions came in waves from each sides of his brain. one side taunted into his left ear, as the other whispered remarks of encouragement into his right.