The Star in Our Faults

Chapter 27

ANNA'S POV:

My mother, Hazel Grace Lancaster, died 11 days after my visit to the hospital.

It was all a blur. I remember being shaken awake by my granny, my grandad noisily getting dressed in the hallway. I focused on the most insignificant things, the purple shirt my grandad was putting on, the minty toothpaste smell of granny's breath.

I quickly pulled on a coat over my pyjamas and shoved my feet into sneakers, not bothering with socks. Granny had gotten ready in only minutes and yet she had her makeup complete, smart clothes on and was brushing her hair into a neat bun in the passengers seat. On the other hand, grandad looked terrible, mismatching clothes and dark circles under his eyes.

I'm sure we looked quite a site trooping into the hospital in the early hours of the morning, but none of us cared. There was only one person to care about.

Mom.

I was there for her final moments of life, holding her hand and stroking her forehead soothingly. She was mostly in a restless sleep but woke up sometimes, moaning in pain. Once she even woke up crying which broke my heart.

Mom's aren't supposed to cry. There supposed to be the people that you go to when you cry. There supposed to tell you everything will be okay. But I felt like I was the person looking after Mom, not the other way around, as I wiped her tears and sang soothing lullabies.

"Good girl Anna, your being so brave," said Granny and other nurses encouragingly. I didn't pay much attention to them.

Granny was surprisingly calm. I suppose she had been preparing for this moment quite a long time. But grandad's hands were shaking, tears pouring out his eyes. He definitely wasn't ready to say goodbye to Mom, and neither was I. But I couldn't think of that right now, I just concentrated on speaking to Mom and trying to soothe her pain. I decided that if I want going to be a writer when I was older, I was going to be a nurse. Or a doctor.

60 seconds left on the clock. Nurses and different people were crowding over Mom, clicking different buttons.

"Come on, give her some space!" shouted a doctor, and the nurses obediently obeyed.

45 seconds. I rushed up to Mom and gave her a huge hug. Granny and Grandad followed me, granny finally letting the tears spill over. 35 to go, I gabbled to Mom the most meaningless stories about us. I knew she was asleep, but I was nearly certain she could hear me.

10 seconds left. I squeezed Mom's hand and let her know how much she meant to me. I almost certainly felt a squeeze back.

3, 2, 1...the long beep of a heart monitor silenced everyone. The noise seemed to go on for ages before a nurse turned it off. Then, there was nothing.

I turned to look at Mom, her pale lifeless body lay in front of me. Before anyone could stop me I walked over to the bed and curled up under the covers with her like I had eleven nights before. But this time it was different. There was nobody to give me a cuddle back.

The funeral was horrible. I wore a plain, simple black dress and squeezed my feet into my only pair of smart shoes. I wanted to look good for Mom so I sneaked into Granny's drawers and borrowed some of her make up. I didn't know what most of it was for but I made a guess.

I powdered my face pale then smeared grey eyeshadow around my eyes, to match my outfit. Next I outlined my eyes with a black liquid making myself look a lot like a panda. I got the brightest shade of red and went over my lips, even exaggerating them a little.

"Anna, we're leaving!" Granny said.

I tottered down the hall towards Granny, expecting her to make a comment on how beautiful I looked. Instead I got a surprise.

Granny gasped at the sight of me. "Oh my god. Anna get that that dirt of your face right now!" she screeched.

Before I could protest Granny had a wet cloth and was wiping off all my hard work, wiping away all my effort that I had made to look nice for mom.

I remember, once we got to the funeral, the cold, uncomfortable bench that I had to sit on. The endless speeches and hymns. Moms coffin at the front of the room. Isaac crying. My granny and grandad, from my fathers side, stood up to say a speech about mom. They couldn't finish it though because they kept bursting into miniature sobs.

All through the service I didn't feel anything. Just bland, numbness. I didn't cry, unlike my grandparents and the rest of the people in the hall. Just sat through it not saying or feeling anything.

After what seemed like hours, it was finished. Everyone had to file out in to a separate hall for food and drinks because, in my granny's words, this was a celebration of life. Everyone was in such a state they didn't notice I stayed in the hall.

Once everyone had left, I sneaked over to Mom's coffin. I reached my hand into my jacket and pulled out 'An Imperial Affliction', then slipped it into the coffin. Before anyone noticed I was there, I had left and rejoined everyone else at the hall.

All of my distant relatives smiled and made remarks on how old I was getting. I went along with this act, smiling and talking, playing the perfect little girl. Until I saw someone that made me stop in my tracks.

She had tears and her eyes and seemed to be having a deep conversation with my grandmother. I thought back to many pictures I had seen, and finally remembered who this was. Kaitlyn.

I marched up towards her, furious.
"What right do you have to be here, crying your eyes out, when you haven't been to visit my mother in years!" I suddenly shouted at her. The whole hall went quiet.

I carried in screaming and shouting, while Kaitlyn had a look of horror plastered across her face. Eventually I felt someone's hands on my waist, and felt being carried outside the door. I looked up and saw Augustus' dad, my grandfather.

"I miss her," I sobbed to my grandad one we were outside on the church steps. Suddenly the wave of emotions I had been holding back came flooding through.

"Me too," he murmured, when I realised he also had been crying.

I buried my head in his shirt and wept until there was no tears left.