Bigger Boys & Stolen Sweethearts - Alex Turner

17. Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High?

  The boys toilet at the back of the old gym was the crudest, most vile place I've ever stepped foot in. There were names etched into the wooden stall doors, dicks drawn basically everywhere, I don't even want to go into any shred of detail about the amount of rumours (and factual stories) about how many people have had sex in there. When you stepped in your nose was assaulted by the stench of cigarette smoke and cannabis fumes. Basically, go in without your jacket so when you came out and fucking reeked you had something that wasn't going to raise suspicion from teachers to toss on top.

  Normally I'd avoid that shithole with every inch of my being but David Leece offered Matt and I a joint after school and well...you couldn't have expected me to turn that down could you? David Leece was a coat hanger with lips. But he was alright every now and then. His limbs were all wiry and looked like they could snap at any minute, his face was sunken as hell as well; you were an idiot if you didn't think he was the biggest stoner to walk the planet. We used to know him when we were younger so I guess that's where the trust came from.

  I made sure not to put my hands on anything because I was convinced it either had spunk, shit, piss or something I didn't even want to think about on it. The lighting was also flickering and dim, making the whole place seem like some crack house or summat. We were passing round the one, taking deep drags and blowing it out up to the ceiling. My eyes had the tendency to get real red when I smoked. And I mean real red. Right after the first puff I looked like some fucker who'd ripped about five. David told me he had eye drops on him.

I also have the tendency to babble on about absolutely nothing of substance when I get high. Matt liked to take the absolute piss out of me. I think I were going on about science fiction this particular time — no it were ghost shaped cookies. Mental, I know.

"So you and that chick are dating yeah?" David asked me as he handed me the joint.

"Who?" I asked with heavy eyelids, taking a deep puff and feeling my head spin in the most wonderful way.

"Fuck off," David laughed. I passed the stick to Matt. "Who the fuck else than that hot new chick?"

"He means Arabella you knob," Matt said and brought the joint to his lips.

"Obviously," I said. "Not dating no, we're just a thing mate." Weren't about to let my dumbass high self spoil anything Arabella didn't want me to.

"She's fit," David said. God you would've thought he was on the brink of death with the way he looked at you. "You shagged her yet?"

My faced soured, "not yer business."

David laughed like a child, "aight aight, if yer getting freaky with Miss Doom and Gloom I'll let ya spare me the details," he smirked and took the joint from Matt.

"We're not get—fucks sake David," I groaned and shook my head. He laughed again and told me he was just kidding.

  One time in year ten I made the mistake of taking David up on one of his offers during school. I skipped Math and ended getting absolutely fucking baked to the point where I couldn't stop sniggering at everything and had to wear sunglasses to hide the redness of me eyes. Everyone knew what was up. I don't usually smile much at school so the consistent goofy grin on my cheeks really gave away where I'd disappeared off to third period. Of course I was pulled up by a nice load of teachers who questioned why on earth I was wearing sunglasses indoors and so I pulled myself together as best as I could and said my eyes were flaring up from my hay fever and that I was embarrassed of how I looked. Fuckers believed me could you imagine?

  Once the first blunt was out, he pulled out another one and handed it to me.

"For you and the missus," he smirked. I rolled my eyes and took it from him, later putting it into my jacket pocket. I assumed Arabella would smoke since she smoked tobacco. "'as she got ya wrapped around 'er little finger?" David asked and wiggled his thin eyebrows at me. I snorted and began laughing because of all the weed in me system.