Hope

I'm Always Scared and Tired by Prince of Stars

COVID-19 has not been easy on me.

Where and when everyone is social distancing at home, taking their time to deal with their fear and anxiety, having time to relax and do whatever their heart desires, wasting time doing something they shouldn't.

I'm here.

At home.

Stressed beyond belief from the assignment deadlines, the tests, and exam dates that seem to march forward non-stop without any help from the teachers. Sure, they helped with their online discussions that no one dares to answer, with their distanced-sitting tests that required me to drive an hour away into the dangerous viral outside, with their online classes that have so much static an old-time radio would be jealous. Houston, we have a problem... I have a major problem

A constant anxious hum appeared from the back of my head. I'm going to die. What if I get the virus, what if my family gets the virus, what if someone I know and love gets the virus. I'm always anxious, my heart beating and racing, my brain fuzzy and unable to focus. I need time to relax, I need time to calm down, I need the time that I don't have. Tick-tock, tick-tock...

What do you get when you mix these two together?

Procrastination.

Ugh, that word should be a swear word.

A cursed word. Because it itself is a curse.

I'm always scared and tired.

Yet I can't relax because of my academic duties. But I would still spend the whole day trying to run away from them and ended up doing nothing productive and ran through a whole day in the process.

Because I'm scared of doing difficult university stuff, I don't do it and find distractions.

And because I'm just distracting myself, I don't really enjoy the random YouTube binge that I did.

And because I didn't try to resolve either problem, I still have to deal with them tomorrow.

Some days, I'm a good student and get some work done. Then, the next day, I'm burned out and unhappy and do nothing the whole day.

Some days, I take care of myself first and do things that I like to do. Then, the next day, anxiety comes a-knocking for another visit and I didn't get any school work done.

When is this semester going to end?

I'm still here, struggling like I'm drowning, and only getting some little breaths of air for respite.

So much to do, so little time, so little motivation, so little happiness left in me.

Do I blame myself for choosing the wrong module classes? Maybe, but at that time, I thought it was right.

Do I want to just push everything aside and not care about my school work? I would love to, but I still want to graduate and get a job and not waste four years of my life.

Do I still want to be alive? ...

...

Yes.

...

My life has its own good things...

...

It's just this current moment that's difficult.

...

But it'll pass.

They all do.

You're still here, aren't you?