Hope

Hope by Pena

Empty shelves, empty streets, in the midst of the COVID-19 outbreak, the worst side of humanity is brought out. Everywhere and anywhere we go, everything is perceived as if the world is in the state of pre-apocalyptic. Not only that it has driven people apart, but it has immensely caused damage to humanity, personally and professionally. Hopeful families with the trips that they planned months prior, couples with their weddings and celebrations that they arranged years earlier and so many more, inevitably must be cancelled; dreams and hopes of many shattered and went down the drain.

Nevertheless, the word 'hope' has brought a lot more and conveyed a deeper meaning to some of those who are currently in dire situations; to those who are fighting for their lives, or fighting to save another one's lives, even to those who are praying for the safety of their loved ones. Eventually, at a point in our life, we all will have to go through that certain struggle which would define who we are as human beings. Certainly, not a single person in the world would live without experiencing a test in their lifespan. I, too, had a fair share of my own pure struggle. It's going to be a lengthy and a considerably personal ride, I warn you.

A few years back, I struggled with trying to get back into the academic system. I started off my career smoothly when I landed my first job with the government, as fresh as I had finished my A'Level back in 2013. Everything was fun and the pay was good for a girl in her early 20s. Four years in, I started feeling low, uneducated and inadequate. Looking at my friends' graduation photos brought tears and the raging fire of envy in me. Those feelings had made me into a monster. I blamed my dearest ones for doing nothing. Angst, anger, rage; just name it, I possessed them all. I hated the world more than I can describe. Crying through days and nights, posting sad and depressing Pinterest inspired quotes; but I did nothing. Just sitting there, blaming the world and the people around me. Most of all, I was being ungrateful of what God has given me. And one day, I received the notification that the application that I sent in was rejected. With a heavy heart, everything became bleak and a cloud of defeat paraded above my broken soul.

The next year after my first blow, presumedly the year of the fight of David versus Goliath. I submitted another application to continue my study but once again, the higher-ups were not at the mercy of my dream and well-being. They rejected my application for a substantial reason that I'll remember till the end of my life. They said, "As there is not enough manpower, we can't let you go to continue your study." I was baffled by their answer. There were heaps of job seekers out there seeking for jobs, 'so recruit more' was a solution that even my 12-year-old niece can figure out.

Yet, it was another defeat for me. At that point in my life, I've given up on all hopes; that I would someday be one of the future's national holistic intellectuals, sitting alongside the recognized leaders. Soon after, I fell into a non-stop pondering, making a habit of looking at nothing, crying days and nights and having never-ending regrets. However, things started to change when a close friend of mine shared to me one of Aida Azlin's earliest motivational videos; EP37: I cried today.

In the video, Aida talked about how we humans can get overwhelmed easily when a lot of problems are going on in their life, including her. Everyone struggles. Everyone has their own problems and no one is perfect, except for Allah the Almighty. As soon as the video ended, I immediately had that 'aha!' moment and it made me realized: I spent too much time caring about what others think of me and I've been too distant with Allah the Creator in recent past. The Godly relationship between Him and I was long gone and damaged.

The awakening that I had one day earlier, somehow gave me strength, power, and assurance that everything is going to be alright. Ever since that day onwards, I started cultivating new habits. I pushed myself harder to pray 5 times a day on time, asking for repentance constantly, and reciting surah Yassin before or after Subuh prayer as frequently as possible; surprisingly these few changes had transformed my life for the better.

I didn't just reconnect with the Almighty the Creator, but I found a new hope. I rebuild back my self-confidence in just a year after purging my old habits. My relationships with my family and close friends were mended. I found solace by going to the mosque, to join the solat jemaah, and by hanging out with the ladies from the Muslimah Masjid, and doing some of the charity events that were organized by the kampung's strongly knitted community. These were the activities that the old me would never do and never thought of doing. But now that I'm in a better place, everything I did was accompanied with peace and serenity. Some may think or asked me: was studying still my priority by the time I found refuge in Allah's mercy? Yes, it still was, at that time. But I tried not to force things to happen. Just let everything flow by itself.

Out of the blue, in the third quarter of 2019, I received an unexpected call from University of Brunei Darussalam. The registration section was perplexed about the fact that I didn't apply for any of that year's admissions and right at that moment, during the phone call session, University of Brunei Darussalam officially offered me to continue my study there. I was sobbing hard; I can't believe the day I waited for nearly 4 years, finally paid off. It was an unexpected surprise.

However, the process that came after the whole admission thing terrified me to the core: submitting my unpaid leave permission to our department's administration was agonizing and then, few of the higher-ups decided to decline my application once again. Never in my 26 years of living would I thought my struggles would bring me down to my knees and desperately begging for my wish to be granted. That night, I prayed and once again, cried to Allah. Few days after that, a devastating answer came from the higher-ups and out of urge, I called my boss seeking for his help. Maybe he can set me up for an appointment with the director of our department. It was a bold move, but that was the only option and my last resort. He straight up agreed to do a three-way meeting between me, him (my boss) and the director.

Fortunately, everything went well. I was so fortunate that this time around the director was a very wise, down to earth, and sound person. He understood well of the situation I was in as he had also been in my shoes, back then in the 90s. He started out as a nobody and now he's someone sitting up there. When he signed the papers, he and my boss were basically putting their hopes in me; hoping that I would succeed and I would graduate, that I would pave the ways for other hopeful people. And of course, to set an example for other people with their dreams, especially the fellow warriors at the borders. And here I am, a striving UBD-ian

The process of regaining hopes and faith taught me that life can be dimensional. There are always ways to solve things. I always hold a piece of Surah Ar-Ra'd 13:11 dearly, close to my heart, every time life knocked me down.

"...Verily, Allah will not change the (good) condition of a people as long as they do not change their state (of goodness) themselves. But when Allah wills a people's punishment, there can be not turning it back, they will find besides Him no protector" – Surah Ar-Ra'd 13:11

Along the way of rebuilding hope has taught me that I can heal myself with the help of Allah, optimistic and positive mindset is the essentials in achieving something greater in life, and always expect the unexpected. We can't just cling onto hope and faith, it takes action and hard work to experience the magic. Few challenges or adversities along the way will define you into a better, grateful, and wiser human being.

To those who are fighting their battles, there will be a light of hope at the end of the dark tunnel. To the world, if humanity survived the black plague, then humanity can definitely survive the Coronavirus. Have faith and hope, be patience and always be grateful.

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