The Ivory Rite

Chapter 35

The only part of my days that matter at all are the stolen moments. I'm able to capture at least one a day for the next week and a half, sometimes two.

A glance from Toryn at the construction site.

A glimpse of him working outside on my way to Temple.

A graze as I pass him in a hallway.

Landon has returned. He studies Toryn through the windows of the higher floors, staring at him as though he's the answer to all of our prayers.

Adair is nowhere to be found.

Thank God, I think.

Where is he? I wonder.

I feel as though I'm being torn in half.

† † †

Toryn has been on castle grounds for exactly nine days when Thesius approaches me after Sanctuary. I'm rising from my pew as he walks over, greeting me formally.

"Your Majesty."

"Good morning, Thesius." I smile at him.

"I wondered if I could have a word." The gravity in his voice notches my anxiety. I ignore it, my smiling face keeping its shape. I glance around for any companionship, any third party I can add to this conversation. Everyone around us has departed, except for my waiting Watchmen. Landon is already fifty feet away, making his way toward the exit.

"Of course. You can escort me back to the castle," I tell Thesius. 

The exchange will remain casual as long as we're on the move, I assure myself.

"I should remain here, Majesty. I only need a moment of your time. It's about the rebuild." My smile falters, the terror I feel every time someone mentions the rebuild winding its way up my spine. I'm always afraid someone has recognized Toryn, has noticed the way I look at him. Rationality tells me he looks completely different, and I know I'm careful—so careful to behave appropriately, but none of that matters in moments like this. This particular fear makes no allowances for logic. The stakes are too high.

"It seems to be going well. I'm pleased so far." I say the words mechanically, trying to anticipate his response.

"Yes, certainly." Thesius nods. "Do you remember when we laid Regent Margret to rest? What you said about including upkeep for the royal graveyard in the rebuild budget?"

I gape at him, but not for the reason he thinks. I hear him try to backtrack, to apologize for bringing it up. He says he knows it's not a priority but...

I can't process the rest over my own spiraling thoughts.

The royal graveyard.

The tomb.

My letters.

I've been so focused on the present, on the fact that once again Toryn and I occupy the same space. There's been no room in my mind for the years I spent without my friend. I haven't allowed myself to remember the torture of believing him dead.

How could I not have thought of the letters?

It never occurred to me that I may be able to communicate with him now through the use of that dark hole, just as we used to. 

I hope to God it hasn't occurred to him either.

All of the blood rushes to my head, setting my face on fire as I recall some of the things I wrote on those tattered pieces of parchment. Although every single letter was addressed to him, for some reason I can't bear the thought of him reading them. I'm suddenly frantic to keep that inner darkness private.

"Your Majesty?" Thesius regards me with worry. "Are you feeling alright? You look flushed."

"Forgive me," I mutter, placing a hand on my forehead. "I think I do feel ill." I turn away from him, taking off down the long aisle, now empty of worshippers. "We will discuss your concerns very soon," I call over my shoulder, rushing away from him and out into the sunlight. The warm rays on my face help to calm me as I take a deep breath of frigid air.

I have to get to that graveyard.

I look behind me. There are no less than five Watchmen on my heels, and they'll be impossible to shake for the time being. Frustration mixes with my panic, creating a dangerous elixir.

"Your Majesty."

I've never been so relieved to hear Landon's voice. I look to my right, where he waits for me on the top step, right by the Sanctuary door. I passed him without realizing.

"Landon," I say, reaching out and linking my arm though his when he approaches me. "Walk with me." His eyes move across my face, understanding settling into his features.

"What's wrong?" he asks under his breath. I glance back at the Watchmen.

"Fall back," I snap with a wave of my free hand. "I can assure you, there are no invisible dangers for you to be wary of in this wide open space," I say, gesturing toward the expanse of lawn between Sanctuary and the castle. Even as they retreat, I take longer than I need to with my response to Landon. He waits.

"Can you get to the graveyard today?" I ask him, my desperation obvious.

"Why?" Alarm widens his eyes.

"I've done something incredibly foolish." I frown at him, not wanting to admit I would create hard evidence that incriminates so many. My true coloring is laid bare with all of those secret words, along with the names of everyone who's ever known the truth. If those letters are discovered any number of people could die—me, the remaining staff... 

Landon.

I was so sure that no one would ever find them, that no one knew about the hole in that tomb, but the one person who knows is back. Embarrassment was my first concern, but there is so much more at stake than my ego. What if Toryn checks our spot and someone follows him? What if he removes the letters and someone finds them before they can be destroyed?

I confess everything to Landon all at once—the secret spot, the letters I've stored there for an entire decade, the fact that for more than a week I failed to realize Toryn may have gone looking there. Landon's eyes get wider with every new detail.

"We have to find out if the letters are still there. We have to destroy them," I finish, falling silent. I'm afraid to look at him.

"Then they'll be destroyed." My head snaps over, relief rushing into my veins with his reassurance, his tone understanding in a way I never would have anticipated.

"You aren't mad?" I ask, my voice trembling a little.

"No. I'm not mad." He sighs. "It wasn't smart, but I'm not surprised. Writing down your feelings would have been a natural outlet for all of the emotion you've been expected to suppress." He looks over at me. "I don't know how many times I have to tell you this—I'm on your side. I will do everything I can to help you." A pause. "Always."

"Thank you," I whisper, guilty and grateful. "But how can we get to them without anyone seeing?"

"Don't worry," he says, leading me across the castle threshold. "I'll find a way."