AGAINST THE WIND : Jacob & Renesmee

13.THE EMPTY SPACE {Renesmee}

                          RENESMEE

My eyes opened like two flashlight beams. Although my eyes are open, I can't think of why my heart is thudding with a loud crack.

I know there are no escape from these memories; it is not an illness that can be seen or fixed, it's the pain __of whatever happened .

NINE DAYS.

It's been nine days since I haven't talked to or seen him.

I know Jacob had only been keeping my words but_____I pursed my lips.  

The past few days was where I had been devastated .
I pulled up my knees to my chest and grabbed my arms around it, thinking about just curling up into a ball so I would not have to face the world.

My eyes were already red and puffed from crying and I squeezed it shut to push more tears out. I put my head down on my knees and pulled my legs closer to my chest.

Hatred. Despair. Loneliness.

__The pain flushed through and through.

I know that I am the one who left, the one who walked away, but it scars me that he hasn't returned.
I wanted him, to return.

The first week was where I was completely lost.I was lost without him.

The first day, I did expected a call or a text. I really expected him to come busting in the door, screaming at the top of his lungs and forcing me to forgive him.

I sat in the dining room in silence, not quite sure what to say, everyone just affected by my condition.

Most of the time I was either crying in the corner or get sunken feeling_ sorry_ for_ myself.
I kept a periodic check up, every moment glaring at the window and the doors anticipating of him coming back to grovel for my forgiveness.

...Day three was where the realizations really begun of what I did to him....did to both of us was wrong.
It was the day when I finally spoke after three days of silence having only muttered yes or no, trying to respond to everyone's failed awkward attempts to include me in a conversation for the only sound that actually came out were strangled sobs.

It was when I finally looked at myself in the mirror, at my bruised and dull face due to lack of sleep, my eyes swollen and fell dropped.
__and I fell on the floor of my room begging God to make the pain disappear.

I spent the next whole next day in bed reviewing and thinking about our past happy moment together. Headphones put on my ears was barely removed.
It was when I finally showered and attempted to act normal, I managed to drink have a cup of coffee Esme prepared for me but at last____ i puked it out and got back dragged to the first square from where I really began.

...Day sixth, I almost yearned in the bathroom floor curled up growing sick. Dad insisted me to shift to Carlisle's clinic but I turned it down. I spent that day on either Mom's or Rosalie's lap; begging for love.

It was all of them who were suffering my grossed condition.

Rose quite a lot disturbed due to my condition_______ Of course Jasper could feel exactly what I was going through, mom and Esme cried with uncried tears but this was not fair for them....Why would others have to go through what I am suffering and this was the reason alone that I kept myself locked inside the room___just to keep myself locked; to keep my thoughts locked; to keep my feelings locked.

I went to shopping with Alice the next day, tried to speak in broken sentence, at least phrases__but I was correct about myself that "I was good for nothing!!" these days.
I made the shopping trip even worse for her and I grew even more sick ..... My head spun with rapid heart rate and uneven breathing; hot and sticky as i felt.