AGAINST THE WIND : Jacob & Renesmee

13. THE EMPTY SPACE {Jacob}

                          JACOB

....I fell ten_feets down in the ground and got caught up in a black hole; it was like the impact of the sudden push that had knocked out every wisp of air from my lungs and I lay there struggling to inhale, to exhale, to move even an inch....

I woke up, my eyes stretched wide open; breathing faster.

I sighed. I had been through the choking nightmare another night which felt a relief yet the days were even more painful than the nights; and that's how I feel now, every moment trying to remember how to breathe, unable to speak, making myself remember the needs for my survival.

 I needed her .

It's been nine_days, we haven't talked, each hour felt more painful than the other.

There is a silence to my soul; and the chill of my blood; my brain freeze and get blazed_up from time to time. I can't endure it_ I can't sleep through to another night after night with the disturbing nightmares.

It was over, but I had lost the part of me that I will never regain__without her. Now and then the memories begins to flood me with millions of images overwhelmed with joy, happiness and love but their weight makes me feel hollow from inside.

 I failed her. 

 __Not a day goes where I don't miss that part of me. Not a minute passes without my heart aching for what she is to me.

 I miss her, I do.

 I can't explain how loud my heart aches with every beat; how every day I try to move on but she refuses me to let it go thereby here I grew lifeless with every ticking fraction of second of my life.

__ The first two days that I spent in my room locked realizing what I did to her was something so wrong. There were periodic knocks at my door. Of course, it was Billy checking up if I was okay; as usually he called me out for breakfast, lunch and dinner_ asked me if I needed something but in return there wasn't even a slight response.

 ....these two days were like I didn't even existed. I didn't wanted to get up, I didn't wanted to move at all,and nor I wanted to speak....and finally the night fell but still I laid on the floor curled up like a shell fish; surviving through another nightmare.

 After those dreadful nights, next day Sam came to meet me and I knew it was Billy who would have requested him to a pay a short visit on me apparently clear that he wouldn't receive any response unless the person at the door is none other than Sam___ he spoke to me about the frequent visit's of Edward and Jasper.....some sort of plan which I barely listened. 

.....but still it did not altered anything. 

 The fourth day ___was when I was supposed to attend a meeting held with the Cullen's. I got hold of myself with failed attempts to act normal and went to the meeting but although I was present their, I didn't hear a word.

 __ that day I went out with my friends turned up for the race, down the hills. As usual___Leah  won but unlikely I was the last. I lost .

Yes!! I lost __ it felt like I lost everything in my life. Digging up my own grave on my own and pushed in everything I had.

 I wanted to keep her close; to talk, to laugh; like we once did_ those films belonging in my heart  was burning me.

At last on the day fifth, I saw her__ there she was all mine; her beauty, her flaming looks; standing right in front of my window. I stopped for a fraction of second; my face marked with dried tears that rolled silently into my cracked lips.

..... Wincing in pain I tried to get hold of  the table next to my bed and shoved down the lamp to pull myself; it crashed down on the floor with a screeching clatter my eyes flicked for a fraction of second and then back to those gorgeous beautiful face but....it was gone.

She was gone.

 No I choked. I can never believe why God would give me something so good only to snatch it away again; it's cruelty. For the sun still shines over the horizon, the birds still sings but__she is gone.

I knocked my hand hardly against the mirror that broke it down into pieces;

 Drip. Drip. Drip

 __blood flowed down my hand but it vanished my deep scars; it heals as if my blood was a liquid magic.

 I felt like everything was being replaced by some kind of black hole that offered to embrace me in my own hell; the world went blank. I heard a loud thud at my door "Jacob"?! and everything was switched off....

I woke up the next day; a cold pale hand pressed to my skin; the face smiling with a plate of food that will help me recover___I tried though but no amount of chewing made it possible to swallow it down.

I was asked to spend the entire day in bed turning up from side to side....

___The day before yesterday; a black Mercedes approached my house and___ there I was a hoping that she came, although my mind made every move to protest yet I still hoped.

 I  ran out to anticipate whether she was here; for I knew that at some point I will have to move. I will have to live with whatever I had with me now.

Bella came out but I still stood there for her to step down the car and greet me with the_world's_most_beautiful_smile but she didn't__My head spun vigorously, and I drew into unconciousness. It was  Bella I spent the rest of my day with; although it didn't change anything but still felt assuring; to have someone by your side who already has been through it.

Yesterday  a meeting was held once again but I was too exhausted to attend it__locked into the same chaos-ed_ messed up space that resembled me; I picked up a piece of broken mirror and found the disheveled dried face staring back at me; my clothes tattered with the streaks of blood.

_The air around me felt to be stiffened and there is a static constant pain in my head. I stormed out gasping and grunting; tears burst out like streams of water spilling down my face. I ran into the forest searching for a place to hide; soon the droplets of rain started conjuring a pattern on my clothes. My tears mingled with the raindrops on my skin;-____A sudden gust of wind passed through me...something more strong and powerful....I tried to follow it but__all at once my foot ceased to travel forward. I fell down knocking my head on the damp ground or_somewhat it resembled to a stone and then.....

Here I am just woke up passing another nightmare that engulfed me; and with this I can apparently conclude that I have been grounded__for the next week by the poor old man, Billy. 

I sighed.

"Jacob!" A soft knock thud against my door with the voice that began to heal up all my fragmented burning parts.

No!! I shut my eyes. I can't let this happen to me again. I can't let this stupid hallucination take over me again. The door creaked open and there she was__standing at the foot of the door with the most appealing smile on her face.

"Jake__!!." She whispered.

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