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Sitting at the edge of my California king bed, I tie my shoelaces hurriedly in an effort to make it on time to my first personal training session at 6:30am that I signed up for at the insistence of my boyfriend (barely) of 3 years, Asani. At the beginning of our now dysfunctional relationship, Asani was perfect. He would dote on me relentlessly, buy me little gifts, send flowers, and he was a major support emotionally for me when I opened my first restaurant in Downtown L.A. Now, he was a monster. He would berate me about my looks, my weight specifically, any chance he got, he isolated me from my friends and family, he cheated incessantly and what was most painful about it was how sloppy it was. He knew I wouldn't leave because he had chipped away at my self esteem with his abuse and he made me feel like nobody else would want me if I left. The crazy thing about abuse is you know all the tactics your abuser is employing to keep you subdued, but for some reason you believe that they'll change. Sighing heavily, I strap on my backpack, grab my keys and wallet, hop into my car, and begin my journey to the private gym in West Hollywood. Maybe I'll run into Chadwick Boseman. Drooling. Upon arriving at the gym, I noticed that there were only 2 cars in the lot, mine and a black jeep. While I thought it was weird I chalked it up to it being 6am on a Saturday, people were probably recovering from their wild Hollywood nights. It then occurred to me that the black Jeep probably belonged to my trainer. I was hoping they would be here on time, but I didn't expect them to be here so early. I liked stretching and doing slight yoga by myself, in complete silence before and after workouts. It centered me. I entered the gym and immediately started scanning the room for the owner of the other car. Empty. Puzzled, but ready to begin my stretching routine, I put down my backpack, unroll my yoga mat and first lay on my back for a second. Trying to clear my head of all the bullshit energy that Asani has brought into my life was unbelievably difficult and I would constantly hear his voice in my head castigating me. About my stretch marks, my cellulite and my body being "too soft", how I need to "tighten up".Still on my back with my eyes closed, all the memories of who I used to be before my spirit was withered by my now toxic relationship ran through my mind and the tears started falling. This was shocking being that I hadn't cried in such a long time. I wasn't afforded the luxury of expressing my emotions and so I shut down. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I had lost myself. Who are you Kori? Are you Kori? Kori? I came to the realization that the voice saying my name didn't come from my head and instead came from above me. Opening my eyes and wiping them to un-blur my vision, I saw a man was standing in front of my yoga mat looking concerned. With his incredibly solid physique I was guessing this man was my personal trainer. He also had the dashing good looks and height of a physique model as well. "Trevante Rhodes" he says as he extended his arm out to give me a lift up. "Kori Keenum" I reply back softly, face flush with embarrassment at the fact that this stranger watched me cry for however long. How weak. That's all I am now, weak. "To be honest, with your name, I wasn't expecting you to be a beautiful young lady, I was expecting a grown ass man." He smiled and his kind brown eyes sparkled. How sweet. "I get that a lot, it's a mostly great thing but it has its cons." I conjure up a fake smile. I was getting too good at that lately. At least he's doing me the favor of not acknowledging my crying episode. Pretty used to that thanks to the boyfriend. "I can totally understand that. So, first we're gonna have to talk about what your goals and areas of concern are." Everything. "Well, I'm pretty self conscious about my arms, thighs, and stomach." "What do you think is the problem with those areas of your body?" "Too big." I reply briefly. I didn't mean to be rude but this was a topic I was sensitive about. "Well judging by your frame and the way your bones are set, you're not meant to be a slender woman by any means. I can help trim you down a bit, tone you up and make you stronger though." He replies with an earnest smile. "Let's make today an upper body day then!" He had a lot of energy. It was kinda infectious because I was actually ready to start now. "Let's do it!" Yea, definitely infectious. Trevante was a great trainer. The whole session was filled with encouragement, support, and lots of laughter. All things my soul desperately needed, it was like I was in a positive energy drought and Trevante's smile, words of encouragement and gentle touches in a bid to position me correctly to do my sets were little droplets of it. It amazed me how gentle and kind he was juxtaposed to how strong and burly his physique was. In between my sets, he would show me how to correctly complete an exercise and at some point he popped his shirt off and I was stuck for a second. So beautiful. Everything about him was perfect, our session lasted about 2 hours and in that short time I felt a mild attraction forming for him. However, I knew it was wrong and he probably didn't even want me anyway. Not even my own boyfriend did. As our time together came to an end, I found myself feeling a bit sad. I had laughed and smiled way more in that gym than I had laughed in about a year or so. "I really hope that you come back to me next Saturday." "I definitely will." I definitely, definitely will. "Well I'll see you then lovely." He smiled at me for the last time and just like that, it was just me, myself, and my yoga mat. Time to stretch. As soon as Trevante left the gym and I laid back onto my yoga mat, all the invasive thoughts of the pain I had being enduring for the past year of my relationship returned and clouded my thoughts. As my body sunk further into the mat, my heart did the same. The tears began again. I need to get a grip. At this point I was bawling my eyes out, sitting on the mat, still covered in sweat. I was a mess and I needed to get it together. In the midst of choking on my sobs and trying to wipe my tears before they even got the chance to fall, I didn't notice that Trevante had come back into the gym. "Forget something?" I asked tearfully. "Yeah...my water...", I could tell he didn't know what to do. "Oh." He hesitates as he picks up his gallon container, almost as if he wants to say something but doesn't know how to say it. Halfway to the door he turns back around. "I don't mean to be unprofessional, but I hate to see a pretty girl cry. What can I do to make you feel better?" His sparkling eyes now looked somber. Silence fell between us as I thought about his question. I needed to talk to someone about how I was feeling or I was going to die of this heart ache. "I want you to make me strong enough so I can leave him and he can't hurt me anymore..." Silence fell over us again only to be broken by my loud sobbing. I had never considered leaving him as an option. I had always held on to the idea that he would change and become a different person for me. I was so damn weak. Immediately putting two and two together, he crouched down to eye level with me, grabbed my hand with one of his and covered it with the other. "I can't do that for you, you have to do that for yourself. However I can tell you that a woman as kind, ambitious, funny, gorgeous and intelligent as you should absolutely not be with a man who doesn't appreciate or hurts you, any man that does that to a woman like you is, excuse my French, a fuckin' idiot. I can't even tell you how much beauty I see in you Ms. Keenum. As soon as you got comfortable, you and your smile lit this whole place up and that's special, you carry such a wonderful vibration that can't even be cloaked by your sadness." Stunned by his words being that I hadn't had a man speak so highly of me in such a long time, I began to tear up again. While I didn't need him to teach me how to love myself or be my knight in shining armor, his positive affirmations of me certainly took me out of the metaphoric sunken place and I was starting to feel again. For the longest time I was numb. I realized that the reason I was crying so much was because I needed that release. His energy prompted that. "Thank you, Trevante. I really appreciate your kind words. You're pretty wonderful too." I cracked a small smile. "Yessss there's that smile!" He exclaimed. His eyes were sparkling again. "See you on Saturday Ms. Keenum." I might have been trippin' but he may have actually winked at me. Nice. As soon as I left the gym I felt different. Everything around me felt different, from the breeze to the way the trees swayed in it. I actually listened to music on the way home, with the volume turned all the way up. The universe was shifting in my favor and I could feel it. Over the next few days I decided to gently destroy all evidence of Asani and I's relationship ever existing. From pictures, to social media posts, everything was gone. I put all his shit in a box, sealed it up and kept it in a corner. He wasn't in town (probably somewhere cheating), but when he came in he got the shock of his life. After ignoring all the verbal abuse he spat onto me, issuing several threats of me calling the cops if he didn't leave and getting a restraining order, he finally left my place. With a loud slam of the door. Freedom.
