one step further // haikyuu x OC

days gone by // 39

When I was a kid... around three or four years old, my mom died. At least, that's what I'm told. I have no memories of that or of her. My dad, in my earliest memory. I can remember climbing down from a tall bed and finding my dad sitting in a chair, holding a phone at his ear. I tugged on his shirt. It wasn't our house, looking back I can assume it was a hotel. But that's all I remember from so early on.

My next stage of life was kindergarten living with my dad, Auntie Angie visited a lot. And I had sleepovers at her house too. Especially when dad had to go somewhere far away for his job. But he was always there for the important things. Until he missed a recital, then he missed holidays... I think my trust for him really broke when he missed my 8th birthday. It was my first birthday without him there. And I cried when he called. Blubbering that I missed him and he needed to come home. That I was tired of sleeping over at Angie's house. He said he was sorry.

To make me feel better Angie took me with her somewhere. A fun place. I was awestruck at the activities I saw before me. People soaring high in the air and smacking balls over a net. She called it "volleyball." And I was hooked on it ever since. I remember learning tips from all her adult friends. I remember all the memories I shared with my teams through the years, the things I learned. There was this one time my team did some dumb choreography to rap music in the locker room during a tournament. Now I listen to rap music before every game. I remember every single time dad promised he'd be home to watch a game, because it was a lie every time.

I remember how close Angie and I used to be. She coached me since I started playing. She would even post my highlights on her Facebook page. We had breakfast every morning. I helped her in her garden... But now it seems like she's closing herself off. And I'm losing the only maternal figure I've ever known. And I don't know what I did to push her away.

...

Oh! I also used to have this reoccurring dream. It stopped when I was around 12 years old but it used to happen pretty frequently. In this dream I was playing in a sandbox, everything around me was really big - as if a was a small child. I'd be playing in the sand when suddenly a kid, a kindergartner maybe? Would run up to me and hoist me to my feet.

"C'mon!! Let's go play over here together, Toshiko!" He would shout, with a big grin on his face. It was the same boy every time I had the dream, but I don't know who he was. However there was something eerily familiar about him...

XXX

When I was a kid... around five or six years old, my little sister was taken away from me. I'll never forget the feeling of slowly realizing that dad wasn't gonna come back, and neither was she. Mom and I cried together a lot. And we supported each other a lot. But it was still hard. I thought about my sister everyday and missed her.

And as I got older, missing dad turned into resenting him. I think I'm using that word right!

I tried convincing mom to reach out, to get her back. But she was too hurt from what dad did. He had an affair and fled the country. Leaving us with the house. He sent child support in unmarked envelopes and paid the bills from wherever he was hiding out in the world. The most her heart could handle was getting to see her daughter grow up through that woman's Facebook. If I were her, I would've fought harder for my daughter!

Still, I wasn't completely in the dark. After all, I got to see some of her milestones. Through videos and pictures. It was better than nothing. I was so proud of her! And my friends got to hear all about it whenever I would show them clips of her playing volleyball. She took after her big brother! It kinda hurt in a way, ya know?? I wasn't allowed to reach out to her. To tell her the truth. I think one day after I graduate high school, I'll defy mom and reach out to her.

But until then, I'll keep an eye on her from far away. I opened my wallet and looked at the faded picture I always kept in there: me and my little sister playing in a sandbox... the last day we had together.

"One day I'll see you again, Toshiko!"