How to Stay Afloat

~44: Where all He Feels is Hollowness~

CHAPTER 44: Where all He Feels is Hollowness

~~

I was completely numb by the time I reached the hospital, the memories of two years ago echoing in my mind, of when Jordan had died.

It's going to be okay.

I kept telling myself.

I'm going to see her. She's going to be smiling and completely fine.

And then everything is going to be okay.

When I reached the ER the first thing I saw was my father sitting in the waiting area. He was hunched over, looking small, so unlike himself.

His hands were stained red. With blood?

Fallon's blood?

The numbness that had enveloped me dissipated instantly, replaced by a searing rage. I sprinted toward my father, fingers clenching the collar of his shirt. "What did you do?!" I roared, but he met my gaze with a vacant expression. "Where the hell is she?" I demanded, his silence intensifying my fury.I wanted to end him right then and there.

My mother's voice suddenly interrupted me.

"They've taken her for an Emergency surgery."

My hands let go of my father's shirt and I staggered back.

This isn't happening.

This isn't happening.

"The doctor said that she's lost a lot of blood." My mother continued. Her voice broke. "I'm so sorry Archer. I'm so sorry." Her arms wrapped around me but even her embrace could not warm the chill in my bones.

"She loves you." My mother sobbed. "She kept calling for you, she kept saying your name over and over again in the ambulance and when they were taking her in."

Everything inside me fractured. I was broken into a million little pieces that could only be put together by one person, the one who was currently fighting for her life, because of me.

"Shanaya came here as soon as I called her." My mother said, "She has the best surgeons in the city working on Fallon's case..." She continued but my ears droned out her voice.

This would never have happened to her if she hadn't met me.

My legs gave out and I sank to the floor.

I don't know how long I just sat there, on the cold, hard hospital floor but time blurred as my mind started drifting...

~~

Fallon and I are lying on the hood of her convertible which is parked on the runway of the abandoned airport we sometimes visit at night so we can gaze at the stars.

While Fallon is looking at the sky, I can't seem to keep my eyes off her. My attention remains captivated by her. I find myself counting the freckles on her cheekbones, the delicate dusting across her nose, and the lone freckle just above her lips—each forming my own personal constellations.

Her eyes suddenly meet mine, and though I should feel embarrassed for being caught in my admiration, the warmth of her smile washes away any self-consciousness.

"Archer?" She whispers.

"Hm?" I respond my gaze leisurely moving over her lovely features.

"Do you believe in destiny?"

I frown, taken aback by her unexpected question. She turns her face back to the night sky, shrugging. "Do you think that some people are meant to find each other or destined to be together? Or is everything just one big coincidence?" Her eyes, when they return to mine, hold a hint of sadness. "If we were different people, living different lives, do you think our paths would still have crossed?"

For a moment, I say nothing, pondering her words. Leaning my head toward her, I trace her cheekbone with my thumb.

"I don't know about destiny," I confess. "But I do know that before I met you, I always felt like I was searching for something—like there was a part of me that was missing. There was this annoying voice inside my head telling me to keep running, that I hadn't reached my destination yet. And the amusing thing is, the day I met you, that voice suddenly went away."

She laughs. "Yeah, because you thought I was your ticket to your one true love, Caroline Williams. Remember?"

My lips tilt at the corners. "Honestly, even though I hadn't really admitted it to myself back then, that entire deal was just a desperate attempt to spend more time with you. I would have said yes even if you'd told me that you'd set me up with your cat." Leaning over, I press a soft kiss to her lips. "And to answer your first question, no, I don't think I truly understand the concept of destiny. But I do know that in every world, and in every lifetime, I would have continued to search for you." I smile. "Because you make me whole, Fallon Chambers."

Tears glisten in her eyes as she looks at me.

"I don't know what I ever did to deserve you, Archer Hastings." She whispers as she tilts her head up to press her forehead against mine.

~~

I watched as Shanaya walked out of the operating theatre, a team of doctors and nurses followed close behind her.

Eight hours.

An entire lifetime.

That's how long it's been.

Peyton, Colton, Caroline and her mother, people whose faces I can't recognize, everyone had been waiting here for hours. Hoping, praying....

Everything inside me hurt. I was still on the floor, I didn't have the energy to stand, or even look up at this point.

Shanaya's feet came into view. She squatted down so she was at eye level with me.

Her eyes were red and puffy. Her shoulders hunched.

"This is a bad dream." I kept telling myself.

"Wake up goddamnit."

Shanaya's lips moved but her voice seemed to be coming from far away.

"I'm sorry." She was saying.

No

No

No

There were cries of grief. Someone wailed in agony.

I remained silent.

"Archer. We tried to save her but she'd lost too much blood and the bullet had damaged vital organs"

I no longer felt whole again.

Before I'd met Fallon I'd always felt like a part of me was missing but after I'd met her every part of me had slowly become hers. Now all I felt was hollowness.

Tears trailed down Shanaya's cheeks. 

"I'm so sorry. She's gone, Archer."