The Soldier's Return

Chapter 6

The previous evening, two hours after the end of the soccer game, Matt and Sean had been sitting at a table in the busy pizza place. Ben had gobbled his dinner and run off to the play the games that were the main attraction for kids  with the unusually generous quantity of quarters his father had handed him. Now Matt was staring glumly at his glass, twirling the dregs of warm beer. Sean watched him silence.

"Want another pitcher?"

"Nah. You know I'm not much of a drinker."

"You're not much of a talker right now, either." Sean's tone was light, but he could not hide the concern in his eyes. His brother still had the haunted look in his eyes, and although he seldom spoke of it Sean knew that Matt's sleep was disrupted at best.

"What am I supposed to do, Sean?"

"Depends on what you want."

"I can barely take it in."

"Yeah, I can believe that." Sean gulped some of his water and wiped his fingers on his napkin, stalling for time. In the background they could hear the bells and whistles of the various games, mingled with the shrieks of excited children.

"She broke my heart, did you know that? 

Sean shook his head. "You never told me anything, Matt, how could I know?"

"It doesn't really matter anyway." Matt s laid his head against the fake leather of the booth and closed his eyes. "The thing is - at first I couldn't believe it, you know. How could I have a son for almost nine years and not know anything about it?  Then I was angry, furious that she had never told me when she knew about Mom, knew how I'd feel about that." He sat up, shook his head and looked his older brother in the eyes.

"But now, Sean, I realize - it doesn't matter what I want, I'm not fit to be his dad. I can barely leave my apartment, my brains are scrambled, I've got holes all over me like a pincushion. I'd be no good for him, Sean." The other man frowned, and Matt hastened to reassure him. "I'll pay child support, don't get me wrong. God, I'll give her everything I have if she needs it. He'll have everything. But I can't meet him. I can't be a dad. Besides, I don't think Maggie would want me around her kid anyway." He felt sick to his stomach suddenly, and started to get to his feet. "It smells like grease in here, I need to go outside."

"Wait."  Sean grabbed his brother's arm and pulled him back into his seat. "That is bullshit, man. Complete and total bullshit." His dark eyes, so like his brothers, flashed navy blue. " Being a dad isn't about you. It isn't about her, either. It's about HIM." Matt couldn't remember Sean ever shouting at him before. "You say you remember what it's like growing up without a father, but do you really, Matt? I don't think you do, not unless you remember that you would have taken just about anybody to be your dad, just to have one. You've probably forgotten this, but the first few of mom's boyfriends - you'd follow them around like they were heroes or something, and you even called a couple of them Dad. "

Matt sat, numb, listening to his brother's impassioned speech. He'd never heard him speak this way before - it must be what he was like in court.

"You don't have a choice, You have to meet him, if that's what he wants. And you have to have the relationship HE wants to have. That's what a man does."  He paused. "It's your mission, bro. You don't get to choose."

Matt nodded and got to his feet, stumbling almost blindly to the door. The cool night air hit him as he left the crowded, noisy building and he gulped it in hungrily. Then he straightened, stood with his head up. The mission.  Thinking about it like that - thinking about it as the Army had taught him to think - he knew that Sean was right. It wasn't his place to figure out whether or not he was the best man for the mission, it was his job to be the best man. Standing straight, he pulled his baseball cap onto his head, and with shoulders back made his way to the truck.