The Soldier's Return

Chapter 14

For the next few weeks, life continued as normal on the surface. Matt continued to pick Jimmy up at school, and do all the fatherly things Jimmy had come to count on. He didn't cook dinner every day, though, and when Maggie came home he left almost immediately. More than anything, she missed the bantering, the teasing chatter that they had shared.

Okay, not more than anything, she admitted to herself one evening as she tidied up before bed. Her son was sound asleep in his own room, having spent half an hour excitedly describing the project he and his father were going to do for the school science fair. It was hard to see Matt and not be able to touch him. It wasn't just sexual desire, although that was there too. She wanted to be able to touch him as easily and casually as her parents did with each, or Chrissy and Bob for that matter, with the comfort of long acquaintance and familiarity of people who belonged together.

She knew now what she had never fully admitted to herself before: that she would never feel for another man what she shared with Matt; that she loved him as deeply and passionately as a woman could love a man. She even loved the scars and wounds that he had been so ashamed of, rightly recognizing that the battles he had won had helped create the man she didn't know how to live without. She was grateful that he would at the least be on the fringes of her life, that they would always be connected through their son, but she could not imagine how she would bear it if – no, when, she corrected herself – when Matt found someone else, perhaps married and had more children.

She thought of something he had said once, something that her father always said: "you do what you have to do." This was what she had to do, she decided, squaring her shoulders in unconscioius imitation of Matt. She would, not matter how much it hurt, be gracious and kind, would honor Matt as Jimmy's father, and be his friend to the best of her ability.

It wasn't easy. Maggie was no saint, and she struggled during those weeks with bouts of anger and despair. She was infuriated at the imaginary woman who she had decided was going to take Matt from her forever, hopeless that she could live a full life without him. She was afraid that the depression would catch up with her again, realizing how much of it had been the absence of Matt when his son was born. She knew also that she wasn't that girl who had given birth; hard work and time had tempered her as well, and as Christmas approached she knew that she had the strength to handle whatever came her way.

As long as Maggie could remember, in fact since before she was born, it had been O'Leary family tradition to cut the family Christmas tree the Sunday after Thanksgiving. As the family grew and expanded to multiple households, the number of trees they cut increased, but the routine was always the same. After the obligatory discussion of how many cars they needed to take, and who was going to drive and how to divide the children among them in order to minimize the chaos, and after multiple delays while children made last-minute pit stops, they set out in a mini motorcade of cars, with Doug in his pick-up in the lead. He would bring all the trees back to town, and spend the late afternoon ferrying them to the different homes.

For the past few years, Jimmy had commanded the spot next to his grandfather in the lead car. This year, however, Doug drew his grandson aside as they were preparing to depart. "What would you say to letting you Mom ride up with me this year? I've got some things I want to talk about with her, and I don't see her as much since you guys moved to your own place."

Jimmy nodded solemnly. "I understand, Grandpa. It's almost Christmas and you have to talk about presents and stuff." He was willing to give up his privilege if it meant presents for him.

Doug chuckled. "Well, something like that. Uncle Al said you can ride with him, on the way up, and you can switch spots with your mom on the way home if you want."