I thought I was depressed but really I don't know. Lately, I just don't want to talk. I've written things into a journal but I haven't posted any of them. My heart aches at times but not due to sadness. I feel like I have a heart condition. I don't want to go get it checked though. I already have too many medical conditions. That would only make me more sick.
One of my friends say that it's all in my head. If it was, I'd be able to surpass it. Or at least... Knowing that it exist woudl help a little but I rebel against the conditions and it only hurts worse. When I think about it triggers. When I don't it still does so I guess it's true. I have these problems.
Writing could be a mental one. No matter what I do I feel the need to write something. Whether I be happy, sad, angry, or lost in thought. I always want to write. When I'm around people at school I don't want to talk. I don't know why. It. It's not normal for me because I'm such an expressive person.
Funny. When I'm at work I'm fit as a fiddle. I do what I can to help everyone. I guess it's because everyone's smiling and no one knows everyone. It's a reset event. When I walk around and sell the cotton candy, snow cones, kettle corn, or toys I always talk to the customers. Whether I'm selling something or not. It's fun. I'm tempted to go around and bring a journal to ask a question and see what they say. Although, I'm working so it's harder. I've always wanted to go to a public event or a public event and just ask people questions. Just to see what they say.
I'm a social person. I'm so social it's anti social. I've said that before. I applied for sonic the other day. I'm going to check my email on that. I know the mananger that works at the one that I wanted to go to. I hope I get it. At the same time though, work is tiresome. I use all my enthusiasm in work. I need a new way to preseve energy lol. I always want to be doing something but I'm trying to apply to h.e.b and sonic.
Oh wait. Not all of you know what a H.E.B is. It's the Texas version of Walmart basiclly. Everything that's in the store is from Texas. It's pretty cool. I honestly shop where ever whenever because I'm not a picky person unless I can save like five dollars at a place. I'm not much for saving.
Having all this money bugs me. I'm planning on paintballing again on the eigth with all the friends that couldn't go during my birthday party. I'll put a downpayment of 200 dollars so that'll cover 25 people. I'll get everyone to bring ten bucks and then send someone to go get us food with the extra 50. If anythign we can use the 200 because I'm okay with it.
My friend Sosa got all mad at me because I told him I'd pay the downpayment and then everyone can just pay me back. He realized that I'd be gaining 50 bucks. He acts like I actually want the 50. It's only fair. But, just to help him out I told him I'd spend it on food. Hopefully, I can get 25 people to go. I have a good amount already. There are some people that can't go though. I put this together for Sosa mainly.
the one thing I hate about my friends is they don't like each other. Everyone hates everyone. Groups like their group and me but that's it. They never want to put their differences to the side so I can have fun with all of them at once. NOPE. Sosa hates Thomas. Some friends of mine don't like Sebastien and then others don't like Skyler and then my main group f friends that i hang aournd during lunch don't go unless Sebastien goes. Like. Why? Can you not go for my sake? Nope.
Haha. I'm just trying to make myself sleepy honestly. There so much I think about. The one thing that keeps popping up in my head is Lily. I said thing but person. I'm also thinking of Summer. I feel bad. I don't get to talk to her as much anymore. I try but it doesn't always happen.
I haven't talked to Lily in a couple of days. I don't want to talk to anyone really. I think I'll just plan that paintball game and that's it. I have 100 already. I just got to make 100 more. Bennet owes me a pizza. Oh yea.
Ever since I broke up with Jean Bennet and I have become better friends. Jean and I had problems from the start. I realize that now. I didn't think about them because I wanted the best. But. REally, I'm happy that I reached my limit. She pissed me off. Now Bennet's helping me out. It's ironic. I hated her and now she's like my best friend. At the moment.
I hope the paintballing game goes well. I'm really looking forward to it. None of us are 18 yet though. I'll call them tomorrow and see if we need an adult for the signing deals. I know that it doesn't matter to an extent but if I have to bring my uncle I will. It wont be as much of a pain because it;ll be a weekend and might as well bring him to do something you know?
I'm not listening to the music that I normally listen to. I mean, I don't hate the music but it's not what I like listening to. It's wierd. Like, I feel like I'm going into the past just for today. Or for the moment really. I used to not talk as much. Like. In 6th XD. A long time ago. Phases. Arent they great?
There's a girl that I'm talking to right now. Well, not at this very instant but she's black and her name is Jana. This year or this time is just all screwed up. I think I prefer being single over being in a relationship but I might as well try since this is high school. That's all it's for right? getting to know the people that you'll go to whe you get older.
Again, this brings me back to Lily. I never stopped loving her. I'll admit that. She hates me for it but no matter the cost I still love her and in the end no matter what.. I'll be there for her. She won't tell me a thing because she doesn't want to go down 'that' path again. I tell her everythign though. I believe that it's okay if I tell her things if she doesn't care because then she doesn't give a damn. She cares though. I figured that out. I'm okay with it though. I mean, I've already told her so much. It's like me and Niomi. I tell her a lot of things and she doesn't tell anybody. She could care less. That's why I tell her.
Another thing is. I tell everyone who reads these entries about my life. I tell the truth because I don't want to lie to myself in the future. That and well, if you don't see in me in real life how can you effect me? Bennet has the acess to this, Lily, and a couple of other friends from home but that's about it. It doesn't bother me.
I wanted to publish these things. The only thing that I'm going to do to the published version is make it only the poems. I don't want to have the enteries and what not in there. Those should stay online and after that when I'm comfortable enough I'll post a different version with the entries. Or do you think the entries should bea seperate book on their own?
College is another thing that's getting to me. I already knew where I was going but I ruined it. They say that they accept the 8% automatically. I'm right under the 10%. My GPA last time I checked was an 89. I don't know how to get the other structure of GPA but I do know it's not THAT bad. I can't do anythign about it now though.
I'm planning on taking three classes at a college. Let us hope that they'll let me do that. I don't want to take my english IV class at Lakeview again. It makes me mad. We do more in that class than we should. In real college you're given dates and the name of the assignments. That's it. What these classes are in highschool are just highschool version classes which doesn't prepare us for college.
College is all about choices. If I want to do the assignment on my own time then so be it. PLEASE lol. I do homework when I can. Which is at certain times of the day on certain days. Shoot. I just hope that they'll be okay with it. I mean it's supposed to be the same damn class since it's a duel credit course but I don't want to take that teacher again. Pregnant **** Lol. Just kidding. But i don't like Pregnant people... They get moody. a little too moody.
Anyway, it's 1am so I should get off now. I watched Naruto Shippuden up intl episode 313. It angered me. I want to see the rest but they didn't make it yet XD. So, I'm happy that I took a break from anime. I wasn't really focused on anything else but I got to watch more episodes at one time compared to being caught up. Lol. I miss my neice. We normally watch anime together. She's in Dallas right now. I sy neice but she's older than me. But anyway. I'll catch all of y'all later. I never write my entried on Wattpad itself but I'm on my mother's laptop soI shall. -DJ OuT :P
