(Not Quite) An Autobiography

Friday (1)

Henry didn't sleep much. Yet, he was feeling a bit better. Friday's effect maybe. At least, he was less frustrated, but that was only because his open spaced office was filled mostly by men or women old enough to be his mother. All as boring as waiting in line at the DMV.

The only exception was the manager's secretary. Such a cliché, true, but a very fine one, mind you! Tall brunette, with very long legs, always in a skirt and tights and high heels, with an ass that Henry could easily picture bent over the boss' desk. Of course, he had never even existed to her. He had stopped hoping or even fantasizing about her a long time ago.

Henry was almost alone in the open space, as everyone was minding their own lunch business elsewhere. He'd had another sandwich today, not so much to see the pretty clerk again as it was because he had been in too much of a rush to pack anything that morning. He had swallowed the tuna filled baguette in three bites and came back to surf the web lazily for the rest of his lunch break.

That's when the email arrived. His lame picture had been approved and he was now a brand new member, welcome to complete his profile and to start meeting people.

He followed the validation link and logged in to his account wanting to wander from one profile to another. Just to have a look around, to know what there was to expect. But the site wouldn't budge. He had to complete his profile "up to 75%" to be granted access to anything else. Henry gritted his teeth and complied.

Location: Paris, France (because the little town's name in the suburb wouldn't ring any bell)

Age: 35 (already)

Height: 6 ft (better round it up)

Weight: 187 lbs (too much, right?)

Ethnicity: Caucasian

Body type (oh come on!): regular (closing in on chubby...)

Hair: Brown

Eyes: Green (and beautiful, thank you very much)

Looking for: women

Education: Some University

Field of work: Administration (the really dull kind, but passing for a doctor or an architect woud be hard)

Relation status: Single (duh! Right?)

Smoking: No (unless pot once a year counts)

Drinking: Yes (too much?)

Kids: No (thank you?)

Henry skipped the Favorite Music, Books and Movies sections on purpose, saving it for later. These things had always been hard for him to determine and they said quite a lot about a person. To admit that he loved the Sponge Bob movies, that he had read and enjoyed every Harry Potter book and that he liked to shake his ass to crappy Disco was not the best way to seduce anyone. So he hit the "validate" button, hoping to finally get access to women's profiles.

The pop-up hit him right in the face:

GET FULL ACCESS NOW

BUY THE PREMIUM MEMBERSHIP FOR ONLY...

Henry closed it fast. Dammit! Full access my ass! Why would he pay? He only wanted to meet the female members, for fuck sake!

At last, he was on the search page. He had just enough time to narrow the search for girls around Paris between 20 (because why the hell not?) and 45 (because why the hell not?) when Ugly Fat Colleague came back from lunch and told him the boss had called for an unplanned meeting.

*

When Henry went home that evening, he barely paid attention to his overweight brown labrador, petting him and feeding him by force of habit while switching on the computer. He still took the time to grab some goat cheese to go with the fresh bread he bought on the way home. He also grabbed a glass and the opened bottle of Côte du Rhone before sitting at his desk. He poured himself some red wine and went back on the dating site's search page. So... Women around Paris from 20 (not a chance!) and 45 (too cougary?)...