(Not Quite) An Autobiography

Monday (1)

Henry arrived at the office early not really knowing why. Maybe he woke up the first time the alarm clock rang, maybe he spent less time under the shower or maybe he petted his dog a few seconds less than usual. Whatever the reason, Henry avoided the usual traffic jam and was half an hour earlier than he was used to.

There was only a couple of his colleagues in the vast open space and yet there she was. Johana was always the first to arrive.

She was not very old but she was fat. That is not a major issue in itself, but unfortunately she was ugly too. And Henry was convinced that age had nothing to do with it. She must have always been fat and ugly. Henry was not the kind of man to pity others but what he felt every time she was around was close to it. Mixed with disgust and repulsion. Because the worst part was that she dressed like a slutty teenager. Without any sense of taste or fashion. Henry soon developed a technique for his brain not to register any of her clothing ever, especially when there was not much of it.

As if it wasn't bad enough, she was also a heavy smoker. Her entire body reeked every time she came back from one of her numerous smoking breaks on the patio. Maybe it was because she was unable to close her mouth more than 30 seconds in a row, always talking, even when no one was around to listen. Her breath was the kind of smell you bring back from a party, making you want to take a shower and burn your clothes.

Unfortunately for Henry, Ugly Fat Colleague liked him. A lot. She always found random excuses to come see him, asking stupid questions, demanding help, trespassing his intimacy space bubble, being touchy. Henry was too polite, or maybe too cowardly, to even tell her it was annoying. He just gritted his teeth, fighting shivers, getting a cold sweat and answered her with the most perfect efficiency. All in all, she was not a bad person. She was even kind and helpful. But Henry had come to despise her.

One day, when he was complaining about her to June, she giggled and said that Ugly Fat Colleague was in love with him. Henry had nightmares the night after that.

And on this hard-enough-already-Monday-morning, his butt hadn't landed yet on his seat when she started talking to him, telling him what she just had done and what he had to do, who he had to contact, when it should be done and why. Henry froze in an awkward squatting position, frowned, exhaled loudly and finally collapsed in his chair. She didn't seem to notice, droning on and on. Henry lost it.

"Johana, I just got here... You'll have all day to pester me with your crap."

She turned white. She turned red. She stood. Henry saw her inflate like a toad and prepared himself for the croak. She started yelling, accusing him of all the vice and flaws she could think of, presenting herself as offended to her core, claiming that she didn't deserve that. To his own surprise, Henry stood in turn and raised his own voice to answer, trying very hard to keep for himself how stupid and useless she was. Soon they had caught everyone's attention. But no one intervened, either afraid or amused by the show. It was over quickly anyway.

Both belligerents ended up sitting back in front of their computers, jaws clenched, brows frowned, keystroking hard. Henry kept this pose all day long.

No one came to bother him after that. Not the worst Monday after all.

*

Leaving work early. No traffic jam on the way home. Yelling some Guns and Roses' hit in the car.

Not the worst Monday after all.

*