The Deathless Trilogy

3.3. Panic Attack

Today breakfast is served on the Immortal. The first wave of refugees, myself and my family included, begin our two mile trek to the tank's decoy spot, where it's parked just in case we are attacked. It's smart to keep the Immortal away from the camp, but nowadays everything is just in case. We live our lives in just in case.

I walk the path to the Immortal alone. My mom left earlier for work with Celia, something about the armor, and I have no idea where Daniel is. My dad and Eleanor walk a few yards behind me, probably whispering about my hair. The good news is that it isn't reddish orange anymore. The bad news is that it's a light purple, dusty rose color, like echinacea or Joe Pye weed. It looks ridiculous, but at least it doesn't remind me of Nate or blood.

I feel sick upon approaching the Immortal, like I do every time I return to the tank. This is where Joe, Phoebe, Winston, and the ghosts of the people we lost are. It's like Nina's song. These ghosts I've seen, we're ghosts I'm told, it's all a dream. Only here, I'm awake, and everyone's watching as I walk through the haunted house.

I file into the entrance along with the other Deathless and continue up the winding staircase to the patio.

There's Nate stretching on the ground, telling me to limber up if I want a chance to beat him this time.

There's Dr. Patel standing in the laboratory hall behind me, his clipboard in hand, nodding at me with a small grin.

We walk into the hall of dormitories, and there's Alexander standing in the doorway of the Captain's dining room, his gold-rimmed goggles blocking his eyes from view.

There's General Sato standing at the double doors into the cafeteria, and he smiles. "Welcome home, Deathless," I can almost hear him say.

I try to keep my cool and take deep breaths, but as I walk into the all-white cafeteria, stuffed full of Deathless, my throat tightens. All I can think of is being trapped inside the computer. The floor tiles even look like the grid I ran through as Prowler Gunther chased me. I exhale steadily through my mouth as if my breath could push away the world.

My dad smiles and grabs my hand. "They're all looking to you," he whispers.

"What?" My breaths quicken until I feel like I might pass out.

"Look," my dad says, "they admire you. They look to you for guidance, my little candidate."

"You too?" I ask between breaths. I try to make eye contact with Eleanor to save me from this conversation, but she's busy talking to another Carrier behind us. In this sea of Deathless, I feel alone. "What about Mom?" I ask, searching for respite.

My dad looks around, probably for Mom, and places his hand on my back, guiding me further into the cafeteria before he answers. It's so crowded that we're already in the line for food though we've barely walked in.

He leans down to speak only to me. "I like Declan as President. He's fair and kind. He's a hell of a guy, really. But I think you'd do the job better, Tiger Lily. Your mom can still be VP."

He releases my hand and rests his palm on my shoulder. He seems closer now, and actually, so do the walls. I swallow hard.

"You're a leader. You were when you saved me from the bunker, you were when you told Jane to get everyone out, and you are now."

I try to smile, but I lose my breath. It hisses out of me more loudly than I mean it to.

"Are you okay, Tiger Lil—"

"—Yeah, I'm fine," I lie.

I look away from my dad so he can't see how heavily I've started breathing, but then all I see are eyes. The cafeteria is full of them. They follow my steps, my breath, my scars, my family. It feels like my lungs are imploding, and I begin stumbling back through the crowd.