Always the Bride

32. Lost and broken

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The next few days are a blur. I don’t remember much apart from countless hours crying and blaming myself for Carly’s death. I don’t let myself think of anything but that. It even gets to the point where I wish I never met Marcus because if I didn’t know him, my life would be so different right now. Carly would frustrate the hell out of me but we’d get on. Just. Who knows, maybe Gregory would still be in our lives but as Carly’s beau.

Mum hasn’t spoken to me since that night. When I came to after fainting, only the doctor was there. After asking the usual ‘are you okay’ questions and telling me my mother had gone home, he bid me farewell. Having come with Mum in her car, it took me a while to get back to her place where my car was.

When I arrived, I went in search for her and found her sitting in the lounge flicking through a photo album. She wouldn’t even look at me, let alone talk to me. I feared she blamed me. While she had every right to, it wasn’t what I needed at the time. I needed her support to get through this tragedy. I needed her to tell me it was going to be okay. All I wanted to hear were the words ‘your sister will be back soon’. Of course they were never spoken.

When she did speak it was just as I was leaving and those words have haunted me ever since.

“It’s a sign, Teresa,” she had said in a monotone voice while staring at a recent picture of Carly. “Perhaps if I told her the truth, this would never have happened.”

I tried to argue with her, I tried to tell her Carly’s anger was directed at me but Mum wouldn’t listen. She was determined to take the blame. Bloody mothers! I love her to bits but she’s so selfless. She will take all the pain and suffering if it means saving her children from dealing with it. Little does she know it doesn’t work. The guilt and pain I feel is tenfold. I don’t know what to do with myself.

I never got the support I so badly wanted and needed. It’s been nearly four days and all I want is someone to hold me. This thought makes me even more depressed. I don’t even have a close friend I can mourn with. I have never, ever felt so alone and broken.

My days have been spent in my apartment sleeping and crying. I don’t remember when I last ate because I’ve lost my appetite. Every call I get, primarily from Jamie or Julian, I ignore. That part of my life is far from my mind at the moment. All I want is to get through this moment without going crazy.

As my phone rings for what feels like the millionth time, I ignore it yet again. It’s nearing the end of the fourth day since Carly’s death and I’m still in a comatose state. My lounge suite has become my friend, as has my quilt and lots of movies Carly and I used to watch when we were kids.

In previous days, the phone would ring then there would be silence for a length of time then it would ring again. This time it rings out but immediately rings again. This happens five times in a row. By the time the fifth call rings out, I’m ready to eat my quilt in frustration. Don’t they get the picture? I don’t want to speak to anyone!

I breathe a sigh of relief when there’s no further calls. I snuggle deeper into my quilt and close my eyes.

I’m sorry, Carly. I wish things were different between us. I have no idea how you knew about what I did but…I forgive you. I know you were angry—rightly so—but I wish it didn’t get to this.

As sobs wrack my body yet again, emptiness consumes me and I wish so much things were different. Nothing makes sense anymore. I don’t understand why Carly was so angry at me. Okay so marrying the man she loved was pretty low but in my defence, I didn’t know. It just seems so strange that she got so angry about it. There must be more to it. If she knew about my other identities, maybe she knew the real reason why I married Gregory.