Learning How to Bend

Day 20 - EEEEP.

We went back to the party after that. I entered first, Thaddeus second a couple minutes later. I mostly stayed at the table where Joe and Katherine had previously sat, sipping a glass of water and eating the meal which I had picked out. It tasted like paper on my tongue, not because it was not good but because I was still distracted by what had—or rather, had not—happened with Thaddeus. I knew his reputation. The more time I spent at the office, the more I heard. I now knew why his personal assistant, Antonia, seemed to have a personal vendetta against me: she had been Thaddeus's constant fling before I became serious part of his life. Even though no one in the office knew of my personal relationship with Thaddeus, Antonia was definitely jealous of the time I spent with him. Thaddeus was the type of man who had women nipping at his heels to get in his bed, and yet he never pushed me. He was accustomed to immediately bonding via a physical connection, but I needed something more.

He respected that.

Unlike Marcus and Mitchell, Thaddeus never prodded. He never shoved me forward when I was not ready to do so. He was taking his time. Part of the reason probably was that I wanted more than the physical. I wanted to know him, and that was pushing his comfort zone. I did not know if it was because no one cared in his past, or whether someone had used him and taken advantage of him. All I knew for certain was that I was determined not to be one of the latter. I thought it might have surprised him, that I did not want that physical relationship; it was not as important to me as truly getting to know him. For me, once physical intimacy was shared, there was a bonding. There was a sharing of oneself, and pieces of myself would be forever in the hands of the other person.

Thaddeus was a good man. A flawed man, but a good one. He never ceased to amaze me, and I knew I did not tell him that frequently enough. In fact...I had not told him at all. Making myself vulnerable like that, admitting my feelings in that way, it scared me. But Thaddeus was worth it, wasn't he? He was worth the risk. I had decided that a long time ago. I needed to further open the door of my heart. I also needed to listen to it, as I often shoved it aside. I was uninterested in listening to it because it wanted me to offer my heart to Thaddeus. Completely. Not gripping it in my hands but opening them up and presenting my heart to him like a most precious gift.

It was telling me he would protect it.

But it still scared me.

I sighed, pushing my food around on my plate until it looked like I ate more than I actually did. Joe and Kat tried to talk to me some, but they both eventually gave up. Kat occasionally nudged me, though, under the table. She could tell something was bothering me, and could tell that something happened outside, but I was not telling her. I probably would not tell her. I had to figure everything out myself before I pulled her into it.

I barely heard anything the rest of the evening. I knew Thaddeus spoke. I knew someone announced the auction winners. I knew thanks were given, and I knew everyone ate dessert before the bartender announced last call over the speaker system. Some went to get drinks. Others started filing out the door. I continued sitting at the table until Joe touched my arm and startled me out of my thoughts. He escorted Kat and me outside, then helped us into his vehicle once the valet drove it up to the curb. Chelise curled up behind the backs of my legs as I gripped my bag tightly in my hands.

"Are you okay?" Kat asked.

"Yes," I said.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm just tired, and I want to go home."

"Are you going to call your father?" That came from Joe.

My posture stiffened. "No."

I could feel Joe's disappointment from the front seat.

"I will. Eventually. Maybe. But not right now."