A Romantic Vision

Half Orphan

Dearest Miss,
I am writing to you to apologize,
It was all my fault, I could have understood it better, I love her Miss, I can not lie to you.
She is sick and is that how one must treat a sick person?
Timur must not have shown such dissent towards her, I know she is a sceptic but you see she loves me. I know you could have been hurt but I am resolved she did hit you to miss, she can do otherwise with no bad luck.

I am still sorry. I am not apologizing to Timur, he was wrong...he should apologize to her, she is so scared of him. He should not have been so aggressive.

I crumpled the paper and burned it; did not manage to finish reading the rest.
I am also resolved she did not hit to miss.
He truly has turned mad or is he in love? It is synonymous, isn't it?

It has taken him three months to apologize.

Timur has asked me to stop seeing him, he demanded something like a husband to me, like men do to their wives do, angrily, filled with manly angst and jealously...sourly.

They change themselves into so many people I have exhausted myself to find answers in them, who to love...one moment I love him, the next moment the person in him vanishes, yes I am talking about them both.

I returned to my routine, the cleaning, cooking and crying for children. Timur and I have started fighting as well, little things that we fight about so we can hide our discontents between them. He kisses me sometimes when he is too sleepy to open his eyes, he cried once when he has taken too many pills and said he misses Anne. I hope there would be a day when he wouldn't drug to be sober.

Our married life has passed.
Who should I accuse to have landed me into this?
Grandparents, took me and made me resent my own parents?
Parents, who never understood me and displayed me as an award to themselves?
Timur, who is the root of all my cause of pain?
Or Awan? If he did not ignite this; I would have been in a completely different place, would not have married Timur, might still be single? Or would have married someone else other from these two... It's hard to even think of that possibility...

"what are you thinking?" Timur catches me off guard.

"Nothing, a whole lot of what-ifs?" I answered and gathered my skirt to sit closer to him and he indecently smirks.

"what?" I ask in the offence. He smiled "nothing... it's just shame, you spent so much time with Anne but you did not adopt her basic values" 

I looked at him hurt, he cupped my face "you are religious, these things don't suit you Raib, why don't you join the Islamic classes again, you enjoyed those right?"
I blinked "you know what Timur, rather than telling me how I am supposed to be and how I must spend my time you should reform your ways, for Anne was someone to me but you are his own son and you owe her an apology"

He slid his hands away.

" I want a child not because I am bored because I have so much love to give Timur and I find no one worthy of that" I spoke angrily.

"okay" he muttered and I froze, did he just agree...

I looked at him, he has slipped into the various guilt he possesses.

"so we can have a child together...?" I raise a question concerned for the reply.

"if that's what you want...but remember it is comparable to the surprise Awan's decision brought us, in fact, it is the same" he sighed.

"Who's crazy and who's insensible?" I reacted saltily.

"I can be both" he stated and looked me piercing the vision "and you know you can be both too"

The IVF documents and procedure came to us, he was hesitant but I was happy. I took everything in hand and him just meekly agreed. I told myself over and over, this child would be mine alone, he would have nothing to do with it, I should not expect anything from him. Yet I failed when his eyes looked elsewhere but to the prospect of being a father.

The medication began, I rested, he took care of me. Everything went well. Hope-filled me. I was excited and for years after I was genuinely smiling, he looks bothered but I did not let him get to me.
Perhaps I am turning into an insane woman.

I ate what I like, I talked freely, I and mother chatted almost daily. I felt fresh.
I had kept the treatment a secret, I would tell everybody proudly I naturally conceived.

I counted days and hours. When finally the day of the last step approached. I was eager and I hurriedly dressed for the day. It was to be the day when the embryo would be transferred to me. I walked down the stairs and saw Timur sitting on the end, should we talk before we go?

I knew it would be a bad idea, I wanted to walk past him and he would have followed but he looked so sad that I had to give him a say.

"What ails you Timur?" I ask, expecting him to give me the silence but he answered, "do not do this Raib, I do not want this child. This is not right"

I thought I was so positive that nothing could bring me down but the walls fall easily.

"I want this more than anything in the world Timur, won't you just let me be happy" tears build-up and my vision begins to blur but before my tears would fall his tears dropped one by one on the union of our hands.

"I want this more than anything in the world Raib, please let me be as I am. Do not bring a child in this world, half orphan..."

I left his hands and returned to my room.
Cried and cried till it made me madly sick.
He tried to console me but I hate this word.