The Art of Being a F*ck Up

24. One Night Only

Over the past week I've seriously had to ask myself what it would be like if Jonah were gone. Just as I feared it's been business as usual with him, he's been locked away in his room pouring every bit of energy he has into finishing his submission for that stupid competition. I wonder if he's thought about it more, if he realizes how much I've grown to resent such an innocent thing that had started out as a way to bring him back to life after his mom died. How could he not see it though? Doesn't he think it's weird that I haven't asked to see what he's working on, or showed any interest at all? Maybe that's my fault, when I've only continued to tell him that I support what he's doing.

I still don't want to hurt him, so it's easier to lie. Devin thinks I need to talk to him about it—about everything, including Maddy. I appreciate the concerns of my best friend, but especially here at work right when we're about to close up, I still can't find the value in the truth. My dad walks passed my desk, the first one out, and the glance he shoots over at me isn't all that hateful. That's progress, but I know the second I come clean about my engagement to Jonah all those tiny, little baby steps we've taken over the last few months will be wiped out completely.

I tell myself it's worth it, it all is, even if I haven't been able to decide what I'd do without Jonah. I mean I've always had him, and before that I had Maddy. Then before her it was Bill. The dots connect to form a pattern which suggests I've never been good at being alone. That must be the coward in me, but that's not going to cut it this time, regardless of how badly I don't want to rock the boat here at the garage with my dad I understand the importance of what I have to do. Granted, while it's been harder to be as excited about the wedding lately this is still what I want, and I've been looking every day for the perfect opportunity to come out to my uncle.

"Hey, kid. I'm about to head out, you need me to drop you off? There's something I'd like to talk to you about on the way." As if manifested from my anxiety, Bill ambles out of his office. Each day he looks a little worse than the one before, he's so fragile now, like he might break in half. It's just another reason I have to do this though, because it seems like those opportunities are running dry.

"Actually, Jason's going to be here in a few minutes." Forcing myself to find the nerve, I stand. I've noticed how uncomfortable it is for him to see me and Jonah together, but other than a few stray comments when I was growing up, I'm not really sure what his personal views are. What I do know is that when I came out he didn't have anything to say one way or the other, and sticking by me, giving me this job, I can only hope they aren't totally the same as my dad's. "Until then there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about too."

"You go ahead then." He treads carefully, already wary.

"Okay, so, I hate to just throw it out there like this, but it is what it is. The thing is, I'm getting married," I say quietly, every bit of the pitiful amount of courage I had mustered fizzling out. No matter what though I have to remind myself that he's not my dad, despite everything else, so I cling to the belief that he's different. Or at least he wants to be. It's no easier than it was but I push on anyway, "to Jonah. We haven't finalized a date or anything yet, and you don't have to come if you don't want to, but I'd really like it if you did. For me."

"Aw, Brent." Bill closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose, sucking in a breath before he can come up with anything to say. "I don't know about all that."

"That's cool, I get it. I just, thought you should know." I lie. That makes the most sense here too, because it's better then letting him see how his reaction gets to me. Not like I have to tell him either, I'm sure he knows what it feels like to be let down. "Like I said, we're still in the middle of planning everything though, so you've got plenty of time to think about it."