The Art of Being a F*ck Up

16. Weight of the World

Even a week later things are still tense with Jonah, I don't know, we've been talking about a lot of stuff since that hideous meltdown, but I feel like mostly we're avoiding the subject. I thought some of the tension would be alleviated when we moved back in with his parents until next semester starts, but it hasn't. Jason and Lilah are great though, they've been trying to get me pumped for my make-up exams now that the date's been set, despite how hard it's been to get motivated for much of anything—especially their anniversary party tonight. All my shit is still packed away in the corner where I left it, which was probably a dumb choice since I can't find anything halfway presentable to wear as I dig through the bags.

I've got like ten minutes before I have to meet Jason downstairs, and it only now dawns on me that I probably should've started getting ready sooner, but then, I can't be too hard on myself. After the kind of month this has been it was nice to have a day like today, nobody but me and Jason watching the game while Jonah and Lilah went on ahead to get everything set up for the party. I really like hanging out with Jason, and for just a few hours it was like old times again. Things may not be perfect, but I guess they're the best I can hope for right now—much like the only somewhat wrinkled dress shirt I manage to produce from one of the bags.

Each of my ten minutes is stretched thin while I work quickly to make myself presentable, but inevitably I wind up in the bathroom, standing transfixed in front of the mirror while I take a hard look at my reflection. What an incredible sense of dissonance it proves to be too when I fail to recognize it, I mean, I know I've put on a few extra pounds since I stopped playing football, sure, but mostly it's in the eyes—they're darker somehow, like a light has gone out. Honestly it's unsettling, but hearing Jason call up the stairs serves as a reminder that I'm out of time.

We're quiet in the car but that's okay, it's not an uncomfortable silence. Jason has always been reserved, and when he speaks it's always careful, always precise. That's probably what makes him so good at his job, and what got him reelected to city council. I'm sure it's what makes him such a good husband and father too. But I know firsthand that he wasn't always so perfect; even with a divorce under his belt it took almost losing Jonah to make him wake up and change. He's better for it, and I start to think that maybe I could learn a thing or two from him.

Tonight won't be some magical departure from my reality, I can tell right as we arrive at the venue. No matter how bad I want it I feel like an alien, out of place, stuck in the in-between—moving neither forward or back. It's weird setting aside all the real life stuff to play pretend for even this one night, and them trying to fit me into their shiny, happy world still makes me feel like an imposter. But I can be whatever they need me to be, so I stich on my happy grin before following Jason inside.

"There's my handsome guys," Lilah purrs when we enter. They've spared no expense to celebrate their anniversary, and I'm blown away by how beautifully she's decorated the space. It's not nearly as beautiful as she is tonight in her best dress, and after she's greeted us both with a peck on the cheek I notice just how much she's starting to show.

"The place looks great, hon. Anything you need us to do?" Jason asks, slapping me on the back.

"Why don't you go check on Grace and Jonah before one of them falls off the ladder?" She smiles, directing our attention to the affable pair as they attempt to hang the banner. Jason, overtly concerned, rushes to their aide, while I glance back at Lilah to find her watching me. Her smile grows, "help me in the kitchen?"

"You really thought of everything, I'm impressed." I trail closely behind her. There are a ton of caterers, and she's paying them a lot of money, I'm sure she doesn't have to be so anxious, but she still insists on overseeing every final detail. That's just her though, and unlike her husband I bet she's always been this same, amazing person.