The Art of Being a F*ck Up

25. Regrets

To tell you the truth, dealing with my dad has actually taught me a valuable lesson. It's been a couple days since our confrontation at the garage, and a couple days that I've stayed under trying to figure out how to hide a broken heart. I can't, that's the shitty answer I've come up with, and since it can't be hid I guess that means I have to deal with it. That's been the hardest part, forcing myself to stand up when I'm still the same coward I've always been, but I know I can't keep letting my issues be a burden to the people I care about. I owe it to Jonah—to Bill, to Maddy—they still need me to carry the weight of the world, so I sit here quietly in the library as I wait, checking my phone fanatically to see if my fiancé has texted me back since this morning. He hasn't.

I imagine he's right where I left him, hunkered down in his dorm with Grace, putting the final touches on a project that might change everything for the both of us. Even though it's not totally fair, I try to pretend like I don't care. I try to pretend like I'd be happy for him, or that I'm happy he gets to spend the day with his best friend when he didn't want me around, but who am I kidding? Maybe it would be easier if he would at least text back, I mean, I told him I'm going to see Bill in the hospital today, I thought he might have something to say about that.

It's weird enough, my uncle actually asking me to come, so I've been extra cautious. Again I've got that feeling, the same one I had before I proposed to Jonah, where I can't shake this thought that something big is coming that will change everything. It's terrifying, but luckily I'll always be able to mold myself into what people need me to be, and I get the sense that Bill needs me to be brave. So I'll try, and maybe if I fake it long enough it'll stick. More than Bill though, there's someone else I have to muster up that false bravery to face, and that time finally comes when I glance up from my phone to see Maddy standing there.

"You can sit if you want." I say, as stupid as ever when I'm around her. She had sounded a little surprised when I called her this morning, I don't blame her for being hesitant to agree to this. I don't blame her for still having reservations when she doesn't immediately react. "I'm happy to see you."

"Are you? Because if so, someone should tell your face." There's a familiar bite to her response when she finally pulls out the chair across the table to sit. She's an anomaly, an amalgamation of things. Sitting in front of me I see the bitchy head cheerleader and the girl who fell from grace. She's a girl in search of answers, and one still testing the tepid waters of a new and confusing friendship.

"It's not you, there's just a lot going on. Bill's in the hospital, and I'm supposed to go visit him in a little bit." I give her a grain of the truth, hoping I'll earn some favor. That's the kind of thing friends would share anyway, right?

"That really sucks, I'm sorry." Even that she offers up reluctantly, as if it's hard for her to feel anything right now besides that reluctance. I know her a little too well though, and while people have historically been quick to peg her as shallow, or rude, or generally unfeeling, I've seen the deep sympathy she is capable of. More than capable, she's prone to it, which is why I'm not at all surprised that despite our grievance, she still softens. "Do you want me to go with you?"

"That's not necessary, but thanks anyway." The quiet chatter in the library threatens to drown me out as I speak the words, almost nonexistent, moved by the offer. Even after I've been ignoring her like this, to know she'd still do that for a friend is awesome, and it helps make the rest of what I have to say easier. "I know it's kind of a touchy subject, but I wanted to talk about me and you. You know, about the thing you told me."

"Ugh, do we have to? I really don't see what good it'll do, I don't know why I even brought it up." She raises her eyebrows, shrugging it off like it doesn't matter. This time I won't be fooled, I saw her that night, hunched over and nearly in tears, and I remember all too well the many loathsome sneers she's given over the years. There's so much anger there, too much hurt to deny, and for the first time—because I truly know that's what she needs—I'll face it.