The Art of Being a F*ck Up

27. Stay the Same

Yet again I find myself at a crossroad, a nexus that will decide my fate, and it's a truly fucking terrible place to be. There's so much uncertainty in my life, I don't know what's going to happen, and for the past month I've stayed in this exact spot, stagnant, suspended, frozen in time. It's been a month of nothing but questions, and doubt, and trying to create any kind of peace out of the utter chaos. Bill's been in and out of work, nothing out of the ordinary, though I still haven't the slightest clue when he might vanish from my world completely. It could be today for all I know. For every second that's passed I still haven't come up with a way to make peace or face this thing with Jonah, especially when his mind is so set on leaving.

Lilah continues planning our wedding like it has any real importance anymore, but I'm starting to just get the sense that it's pointless. That, more than anything else, tears me to pieces. Maybe it's because I've been hyperaware or sensitive, or whatever you want to call it since I talked to my dad last. I guess I can count my lucky stars that he's been essentially avoiding me since our run in at the hospital—even if I know it's only a matter of time before that need to inflict hurt gets the better of him again. Like I said, I'm just kind of stuck waiting for something—anything—to happen.

"I'm shocked. I mean, pleasantly, but still, you're totally going to ace this." Maddy chimes, breaking me from my intrusive thoughts. Oddly enough, this is the one thing that hasn't stayed the same, and more over, has gotten better. Turns out it's not so difficult after all to put those ugly things behind us once she was able to get some of that weight of her chest. She reviews the paper I'm about to turn in, impressed by how well written it is. Apparently being an English major wasn't already enough of an indicator. "There's just a couple things we need to fix."

"I proofed it like five times." I say.

"And it shows, it's good." She mutters, distracted as her eyes continue scanning the page. It's been nice having her tutor me again, sure, but mostly it's just been nice to have someplace to escape to that's not so, I don't know, challenging. Don't get me wrong, Devin's great, but he's been a lot more unavailable lately now that Grace has started really taking an interest in him. I'm happy for him, and hey, that's why I have Maddy. In the event that I somehow didn't hear her, she repeats herself quietly. "It's really good."

"Thanks." I roll my eyes.

"No, I'm serious. Have you ever thought about doing more with this? Writing, I mean."

"That's a funny thing to ask someone with dyslexia."

"Just because you have to work a little harder doesn't mean you're automatically garbage at it, dumbass." It's Maddy's turn to roll her eyes, which she does while waving the paper in my face frantically. "In fact, it's probably the opposite, look at all this attention to detail. I have to assume you chose your major for a reason, and I mean you used to like it, I remember you writing all those weird little stories when we were in high school. What did you call them? Fanfiction?"

"We don't talk about that." I can only hope my cheeks aren't bright red as I snatch the paper back from her hands. True, the poems I started scribbling down to get better at writing eventually evolved into much more, but then Marcus caught me one day and rode my ass hard about it for weeks. That was pretty much the end of it, and anyways, it was a totally lame and nerdy thing that I'm super embarrassed she remembers.

"Maybe we should." She tries in vain to retrieve the paper from my grasp, but I pull it away. I appreciate all of her generosity. I appreciate her meeting me here on the quad during my free period when I'm sure she could be using this time to study for her own shit. But that doesn't mean I'm going to sit through this torture. Eventually she gives up in a frustrated huff, "graduation's not that far off now, and you still haven't decided what you're going to do after."