The Art of Being a F*ck Up

37. In Love Alone

Music blares loudly through the co-ed filled frat house, signaling the start of another great party. This isn't just any party though, it's special, it's a reward for everyone who worked so hard studying, and to those of us who will be saying goodbye to this place for the last time. It's the end of the year party, and now that exams are over, all that's left is to get drunk and purge all the stress that's been building for weeks. Me, I'm not much in the celebrating mood, I mean yeah, I'm confident I passed all my exams and I'm actually about to graduate college, but I'm also unemployed and broke, and the end of the year brings some other things to an end too.

I could definitely use some fun, but I'm way too aware of what it might lead to, it's already been hell being here around all this alcohol. So for once I'm the wallflower—which is weird and I don't like it—but I'm not the only one hiding out of sight, because right over by the stairs in the living room I see Maddy. The somewhat sadly humorous fact that we both feel like we have to be alone at this party is not lost on me, and I think about going over there, but I'm not sure if we're back to being in that kind of place with each other. Besides, I don't get long to debate it before my thoughts are intercepted.

"Bro, what the hell you doing over here? Chapman challenged me to do a fucking keg stand and I could really use your support!" Devin finds where I've tucked myself into a corner, slapping me hard on the back.

"You'll do great, Dev, I'll cheer you on from here." I joke lightly, noting the slight disappointment on his face that he tries to hide. He's been such an amazing best friend, a surprisingly competitive running partner, and the greatest late night confidant I could've hoped for. I hate to let him down now, especially with how much he's been there for me the last couple months, but I know he must understand. I tease him harder, "come find me after, I'll hold your hair while you puke."

"Yeah right, motherfucker. You know I'm not some lightweight!" He jabs at my gut playfully but I catch his arm, pulling him into a chokehold. We horse around for a minute until he's able to get loose, and then we share a laugh, but eventually he still accepts that I can't join him for any rad party games. He pivots to return to the fray, offering one final quip. "Don't stand over here like a loser all night, at least talk to your boy."

"My what?" I ask, caught off guard. Devin only grins mischievously as he goes to the front door, just in time to greet a couple of familiar faces. Grace is the first one I see, which is no big deal, but then right behind her is Jonah, and I find myself standing a little taller as he looks around. I want him to see me, just so I can get a wave or maybe even a smile, but he's not the one I lock eyes with. It's her. When Grace notices me she offers up that smile I had been yearning for, and then turns to whisper something in Jonah's ear.

The secret's not that hard to ferret out, because he looks at me too then, and my palms legit begin to sweat as she and Devin wander off elsewhere and he starts my way.

"Hey," Jonah says tentatively, clearing his throat, his eyes darting between my face and my feet. "Sorry, I don't know if this is weird, I wanted to come over and say hi."

"No, I get it—and it's not!" I laugh, super fucking awkward. Why the hell do I have to be awkward with him though? I've known him for an eternity, our love was mythic, the kind of thing people write songs about. We've done things together it would be humiliating to tell anyone else about—Grace and Devin included—so I know it doesn't have to be this way with us now. I gather my courage, take a breath, and face him head on when I'm more in control. "I'm really happy you did. I've missed you."

"I know," he hesitates, not wanting to give too much away, "it feels unfair to say I miss you too. But I do."

"It's cool. If you have time now maybe we could hang out and just talk?" There's no telling how far this new and fragile courage might carry me, but I push it anyway. Being honest apparently makes him feel safe to be honest with me too though, and I can see how he truly fights with himself on what he should say, so I aim to make it as easy as possible for him. I raise my cup, "can I get you something to drink?"