The Art of Being a F*ck Up

35. 12 Lonely Steps

Love endures all things. Pretty simple, right? Nothing's changed, I haven't quit loving Jonah, but for the most part I'm trying to be happy and supportive of him. More than a month now since we broke up and he's doing his best to move on, to find something better. I'm not saying that out of pity either, given that same time I'm more ashamed than ever to look at what happened, at all the open and ugly wounds I've been letting fester, and what they built up to. Maybe Lilah was right, maybe there was no way I could've known better—it's not like I've had a lot of great role models to teach me how to handle stuff in a healthy way. My uncle was great for all his influence, but mostly I had my dad, who has been more mean and lubricated now that Bill's in hospice.

I'm not using my shitty upbringing to justify what happened, because no matter what else, I do know better now. I stuck my hand in the fire and got burned, I've got the scars to prove it, but like everyone keeps trying to tell me it did teach me something. I am a good man. Or I was, I don't know, I guess things got kind of muddled there in the middle, but I can be good again. I can be better. I just hate that it took losing Jonah to make me wake up, and while there's nothing I can do about that now, I can still hope for all the best things for him.

He posted some pictures this morning of him and Grace on spring break, apparently they flew out to New York to see Bram. Jonah looks so happy in them, he reminds me more of the man I fell in love with now than he has the past year. I think maybe I had become toxic for him and that's almost enough to destroy me, but I'm only looking forward because I'm learning that I can't change the past no matter how much I want it. And still, love endures. I'm sure I'll carry this love around until the day I die and I'm okay with that, it's made me a better person, I am forever changed because of it, and it's changing me still.

I had said once that I wanted nothing more than to be worthy of his love, and even if we can't be together, even when he's moving on, the principle is still important. It'll be a reminder, something to hold me accountable for years to come. He might never want me like that again, or maybe one day, years from now even, I might get a call or a knock on my door. Doesn't matter what happens, all that matters is I have to strive hard to be the best version of myself, to reignite all my passions and find my purpose. I guess Lilah was right about that too, when she said I owed that to myself.

I wish I could say it's been easy, but the truth is it's been brutal. Admitting that I was the one who destroyed everything I held dear was rough, but starting AA and having to confide all of it in complete strangers was rougher. Worst of all has been doing it while watching my uncle die. He's been so brave through everything, even when his body shriveled up into nothing and he had to go into palliative care. You know what else I learned though? Cancer doesn't give a fuck about courage.

It may have started out rough, but I'm big enough to admit how much AA has been helping. Never mind that it keeps me from drowning every, last rotten feeling in a drink, it's just been a good place to talk about all the things that make me want to drink in the first place. I don't have to feel embarrassed, or worried that anyone will judge me, because I realized pretty quick that each one of them is fucked up too. As dorky as it is, I've been anxious all day for the meeting later, because even though I'm mostly okay with it, I wouldn't mind talking about how seeing those pictures of Jonah this morning made me feel.

No matter how far I come, I don't think that will never not hurt. To make sure I don't forget any of it, I've been writing down every thought in my journal for the past twenty minutes. It's not the same one Lilah got me, I used up all those pages already. Writing has also been a good release for me this last month or so, and while that feels kind of unmanly too, I have this new resolution to stop holding myself to these seriously messed up standards and just do what feels good. It's been working out great so far, but when I glance at my phone I realize I'm out of time, and I have to put my journal away.