The Art of Being a F*ck Up

14. Cold Comfort

Here I am again, at one of those crossroads. It feels so much like after I busted my knee, not knowing what's going to happen but knowing enough to realize my life won't ever be the same after today. The difference is that this time I don't have a whole entourage to support me in the aftermath—even if it had only been for a short while then. Maddy was nice enough about it, Devin too, but they're not really who I care about. Shockingly, Jonah hadn't seemed all that surprised to hear the news, and while I thought he might come over to help me through the roughest part of it, all he was able to manage was a video chat. I actually started to think he'd make me do this alone too, but at the very least he sent in reinforcements.

"Calm down, honey, you're starting to give me anxiety too. Whatever happens, we'll figure out where to go from here. Together." Lilah balances her fingers on my leg, stopping it from bouncing up and down anxiously. The dean was a real hard-ass when we first met him this morning, he basically rattled on about how many chances I've been given and how disappointed he is that I wasted each and every one of them. This woman sitting next to me now, bless her heart, did her best to convince him of why I should be allowed to stay, what all I've accomplished. Admittedly the list isn't very long, but the important thing is she tried.

"They're going to kick me out, you know that." I lower my head into both hands so I won't have to face her. In her line of work she has to be more aware than anyone of how this goes, but she sits out here with me now, in our distinct kind of quiet, to stop me from imploding while her husband goes another round with the dean.

"What did I just say? Let's not panic yet, he seems like a very reasonable man." She insists with her militant optimism, placing her hand firmly on my arm, right above the wrist. "No matter what though, you have to remember that you are more than any one thing—your life doesn't end today."

"But it's not just today," my frustration comes through, "it's every day."

"How so?"

"No matter what I do I can't keep up, I don't know why it's so hard for me. Like, I've been busting my ass for over a month trying to get better grades, and this is all I get? Why am I so goddamn stupid?"

"Hey, you're not stupid." Her voice raises to match mine, her firm grip locked tightly in place. "Everybody's different. I see hundreds of kids every year, each with their own unique needs, and I promise you that there is no one, right answer."

"Then how else do you explain it?" I look at her, eyes filled with a contempt she doesn't deserve. I was so scared to come here today, of the unknown, and the only thing she deserves is my thanks and respect. She has that too, it's maybe just a little harder to show at the moment. She wants to help me feel better, I'm not blind, but she was also the one who had to intervene all those years ago when she basically forced Jonah to tutor me so I wouldn't fail senior year in high school—whether she wants to admit it or not, she knows the truth almost as well as I do. Before she can debate it further the large doors we're seated in front of swing open, and Jason emerges into the hall.

"Well? How did it go?" She asks immediately, her hand finally slipping away as she rises for the verdict.

"He really didn't want to, but I finally got him to come around. He's willing to let you retake the exams you failed." Jason delivers the information directly to me. His pragmatism—much like Jonah's—is the perfect foil to his wife's optimism. I have no delusions that his clout from being on city council and a prominent member of the community played a big role in the dean's turn of heart, so I should only be thankful for him too, but I end up fumbling for the right words to express that.

"That's such great news, thank you for talking to him." Lilah steps in, offering her husband a quick kiss as thanks. A subtle glance back my way to see how I haven't left panic mode no doubt provides all the information she requires. She tells him, "I think I'm going to stay here for a bit, with Brent. Why don't you go on ahead?"