The Art of Being a F*ck Up

34. Proverbs and Pistachio Ice Cream

Another week really doesn't make anything easier. Bill's still dying, Maddy's somewhere in the wind probably plotting her revenge, and Jonah still won't return any of my texts. I've decided I won't send him anymore, the best thing I can give him right now, I'm finally realizing, is space. I think that will be good for me too in a lot of ways, as much as I hate every minute of this I can't deny that it's given me time to really think about things. I'm pretty sure I'm starting to figure out what Lilah meant when she said my intentions don't account for much, it's mostly what Jonah had been trying to say too right before we broke up. I did a lot of damage thinking I was helping, I honestly don't know how I didn't see that sooner.

I guess I was just lying to myself too, but as humiliating and difficult as it is to fess up to all of it, I do feel better now that I'm trying to live in my truth. Everything still sucks major ass, believe me, but I don't know how to explain it, I feel lighter somehow, I don't constantly feel sick. That's got to be worth it, and I can see that the road ahead is going to be long, but for the first time in what seems like a genuine eternity, I feel the most like myself again. In no small part, I owe it to the few people who refuse to give up on me, especially Lilah.

"Here's a list of meetings I found in the area that I thought might be good for you. Just let me know if you want to try any of them." She lays her phone down on the table so that I can take a look before signaling the waiter over. I knew it wasn't going to be pretty, but if I'd even suspected that facing the unknown would be this embarrassing I would've kept right on drinking. Seriously, this is the kind of shit I would've beat guys up for before, but now I have to go stand up in a room full of strangers and talk about all my dark places? It's so emasculating.

"Do I really have a choice?" I mumble absently. It's what's right, I know that, it's my fault that things have gotten to this point and I don't want to be my dad, so yeah, I'll go. This past week working next to him without Bill has been tough, he's been even more mean and spiteful than usual, but part of me has to wonder if it's because he's in a dark place too now that his brother is about to die. Thank god it's finally the weekend so I can have a break from him.

"You don't have to do anything you're not ready for," she tells me, polite enough to pretend there are still any options left. Her optimism remains as strong as ever though, and she smiles across the table before noticing the bowl of ice cream I've left practically untouched. "Are you going to finish that?"

"All the time in the world couldn't make me ready for this, but I've got to do it. Besides, I owe it to Jonah." I slide the disgusting dessert across to her so she can finish it. Pregnancy has given her some pretty wild cravings, but there's no excuse for whatever abominable flavor is in that bowl. Which is ironic coming from me, seeing as I don't have any excuses for how abominable I've been either. She takes a small bite as she watches me carefully, debating on how to handle such a delicate topic.

"Do you? I understand that you feel bad and you just want to do something to make it right, but that's not why you should want to do this." Lilah replies, slowly, her empathetic look turning into the smallest smile. "You love him, I know that doesn't just go away, but if all you're looking to do is make yourself into what you think he wants then this is never going to work. It hasn't yet. The only person you owe this to is yourself, it's time you stop trying to be what you think everyone wants and just be you."

"But what if that's not enough?" Humiliating or not, she and I have already come this far together, and I owe her too much to sugarcoat it now. I get this strange pinching in my chest when I ask it aloud, but I force myself to be painfully honest. "I mean, what if I'm not enough?"

"Is that what you believe?" Taking another bite of her ice cream, she eyes me intently.

"I don't know." Again, it's the most honest answer I can give. Not that long ago I would have told her yes, that I was nothing more than a piece of garbage, and part of me still feels that way. But she's been here, and Devin and Bill, and there's something new in me that I hadn't had before—that I haven't had in a while. Hope. "Everything that went down, it's so messed up. You said yourself the reasons don't matter, so it's just on me. What kind of person would do what I did?"