I fall apart' ~ Post Malone

10.

"Madison." Austin's voice hit me with the same impact as ten bullets. No, not now. It was all that haunted my mind. I got my breathing steady but failed. Panic had taken over my body, and the air stayed in my throat. I seemed on the verge of passing out. His next move would be decisive. "Are you awake?" His face was too close, and his breath blew over my face. Without really wanting to, a shiver ran down my spine, and the first tears rolled down my cheeks. Why was I still in love with him now? Meanwhile, Austin realized I wasn't sleeping, and his hands wrapped around mine. I didn't even feel like pulling my hand away and lying in a cramped position. His thumb stroked my thumb, trying to calm me down, but it only made me more distressed. I couldn't stop a sob, and the tears started to flow faster. Go away. Leave me. My head fought against my heart. I was broken inside, yet my heart wanted him to stay here. My heart was pierced with a trillion blades, each one cutting open their piece of my heart.

"I'm sorry." We were fifteen minutes later, and Austin was still in the same position in front of my bed. I was still the same as well. Austin broke the silence for the first time, and even though he whispered, his words made me cringe. Stop impacting me so much. Stop lying. Please leave me alone. I prefer to sink into a black hole now, but now that it came to it, that was, of course, not possible. I knew he would be waiting for an answer, and I tried to calm myself down. He shouldn't think he got off so easily with it. Who said he could get away with it? "How can I believe you mean that?" My voice was lifeless, and I shot myself. I barely spoke, so that I couldn't notice. I felt that Austin was blown away too. As he searched for words, the little voice in my head began - voices, never a good sign. - to get involved again. He doesn't mean it. I don't believe him. Why should I believe him now? But I knew that I was unconsciously busy forgiving him. Provide minutes, and Austin still hadn't said anything. More and more, I was convinced he wasn't serious. "See now, all lies," I muttered under my breath. My voice had not been quite enough because I heard Austin sigh. "Trust me."

I felt a rush of anger when he said that and straightened up. I just barely bumped into the bed above me and pushed him hard against his chest, causing him to fall backward. "HOW CAN YOU ASK NOW?" I didn't even bother to be quiet. I didn't care if anyone would hear me now. It would probably even be good for Austin before I killed him. I vented my anger on my pillow, but a pair of hands soon made me stop there. His hands closed like shackles around my wrists. "Stop!" His voice was irregular and hoarse. As if he was upset.

I faded from his quick action and got caught in his gaze. My eyes searched his beautiful blue eyes for the first time in a long time. I didn't even seem aware of the pain crushing my heart or the anger running through my veins. I searched and recognized the tiny white specks in his sea-blue eyes. They produced that special effect that I had always loved. I shook my head once, then stared back at his face. "I can't trust you, Austin." My voice was calm, and I tried to explain my plan as calmly as possible. "I don't want to hate you anymore, but I can't love you anymore." I lied. I loved him just as much. But I could hardly say that he would never give up like that. "Leave me alone. I need time, a lot of time. And then, eventually, maybe I can forgive you. Maybe." I ended. His eyes were dark, and I couldn't help but feel bad.

Why had I said that now?