See Me

4

Fight or flight.

They say when you're faced with imminent danger, your body automatically responds with either fight, or flight. You always think you're going to fight. You think you'll be strong enough to actually do something about what's going to happen to you.

Sometimes they talk about the third one; freeze.

Not often enough, but sometimes.

You never imagine you'd freeze. I never imagined I'd freeze, anyways. I thought I would fight, thrash around as hard as I could. Kick, scream.

I didn't. I froze.

I don't know how long I was sleeping for, in the heavenly comfortable cocoon I had made in the guest bedroom blankets. I started to stir as I felt the dip of the bed I was in. I felt a warm body slide into the blankets, inching closer to me. I was laying on my side, my head burrowed into the fluffy pillow. My back was to whoever was entering my space. I was about to open my eyes, and my mouth to tell whoever it was to get lost, that I wasn't looking for company.

The words didn't leave my throat as I felt a hand grab my hair, roughly intertwining their fingers in the strands, pulling my head back so that their mouth was at my ear. I wanted to open my eyes, I wanted to ask them what the hell they were doing, but I was so shocked that I didn't.

"Why would you do that?" A pained voice said, it took me a second to realize it was Jax. I could smell the alcohol radiating off of him, which was surprising because I'm sure I reeked of it too. I didn't answer, which caused him to tighten his grip in my hair, jerking my head even further towards him

"Why?" Jax demanded again.

"Do what?" My voice finally crept out in a whisper. I had no idea what he would be so angry about.

"You know what, Seren." Jax whispered back, his voice full of venom.

I didn't answer, again. Which proved to be the wrong move as Jax snaked his other arm around me, grabbing my neck and applying pressure to my throat.

"You kissed him in front of me. In front of everyone. Do you know how that made me feel?" He barked out. "Do you?" He raised his voice and I prayed someone would hear.

I had no idea why he was so angry. Why would he care that I kissed Carter?

"You're mine, Seren. I know it, and I thought you did too."

His grip in my hair was becoming painful. I wanted to move my head away from him, but I couldn't.

"What are you talking about?" I breathed out, my eyes closing at the burning pain in my head.

"What am I talking about? Are you serious?" Jax growled out, his hand leaving my throat and travelling down to my hip. He pulled me so my body was flush against him. His fingers were digging into my hip, and I knew it would cause bruises. A whimper left my mouth as his hand travelled to the hem of my bathing suit.

"Shut the fuck up." Jax whispered against my ear. I could barely recognize his voice. Jax was usually so nice to me, so polite. I didn't know who this person was. "I fucking love you, Seren. This is how you repay me? By kissing Carter right in front of me."

I tried to wiggle out of his grasp, but the more I moved the harder he pulled my hair. "Jax, we're just friends." I managed to croak out.

"Just friends? Are you serious?" He barked back at me. "You don't mean that."

"I'm sorry." I told him as a tear fell down my cheek. White hot fear was beginning to take over in my chest, and I know Jax could hear my heart hammering.

"Sorry for kissing Carter?" He asked me. I shook my head, scared to clarify. I wasn't sorry for kissing Carter, I was sorry that I didn't feel anything besides friendship for Jax.

"No? What are you sorry for?"

My body started to shake as I felt his hand enter my swimsuit bottoms, creeping down towards my vagina. "I don't feel that way about you Jax. Please stop."

"You're lying." Jax pulled my head back toward the bed so that I was forced to lie on my back. He shifted and placed his knee against my hip, so I was unable to move. "I should just take you right now. You know that's what you want."

My chest started to heave as the tears fell uncontrolled down my face. What was happening? Who is this person? He wasn't the Jax that I had been friends with for years. He wasn't the Jax who tried his best not to make me feel uncomfortable. The Jax that I had trusted.

"Stop, Jax." I choked out. I could see his face now. I didn't recognize him. He looked evil. He looked so angry.

He didn't answer as his hand found my opening. I closed my eyes and titled my head towards the ceiling as I tried to force my legs closed. I heard him chuckle as he moved his knee from my hip to between my legs, forcing them back apart. I started to sob, trying to picture myself any where but here.

Something happened at that point. It was like I totally disassociated. I separated my mind from my body. My body was locked under this evil human, but my mind was elsewhere. I couldn't tell you where, I don't think I even knew. I could barely feel his hands roaming my body, grabbing me like I belonged to him. My knees tried to close in on themselves when I felt it at my entrance, but his forceful hands kept them apart. I felt his rhythmic motions as he pushed into me. I could feel my mouth moving, uttering out single words. Stop. No. Repeating the two. Over and over again. He didn't care. He didn't stop.

"Jax! Where the hell did you go?" A loud voice from outside the room brought me back from the clouds. I felt Jax stiffen on top of me, obviously startled that someone was looking for him.

"Shit." He muttered. I kept my eyes closed, not daring to look at him. I felt the pressure of his body on top of mine lessen, as he pulled himself from me.

"Don't fucking talk to him again. Seren. I'm giving you another chance because I know you love me too. You made a mistake, but I forgive you." Jax said and I felt his hand gently caress my face. I jerked away from the contact and heard him sigh.

"Seriously, don't text him. Don't talk to him. You belong to me." I felt his body leave mine, the pressure that was holding me down to the bed was gone. Instantly I rolled to my side, bringing my legs to my chest and forming my body into a ball. I didn't dare open my eyes until I heard him walk away, opening the door and closing it behind him.

I've never been in shock before, but I'm assuming this is what it felt like. I felt numb. What just happened? Why would that happen to me? What did I do to deserve that? Did I do anything to deserve that? Did I lead Jax on?

I don't know how long I laid there. Staring blankly at the wall beside me, replaying what just happened in my brain. The wall was a light green colour.  You know the colour they paint hospital rooms. I remember learning that they painted them light green because it's calming. I didn't know what I was feeling right now, but I'm almost positive it's not calm.

I felt confused. I felt dirty. I wanted to shower. I remember in health class they said if you were ever sexually assaulted, you shouldn't shower. They said you would want to, but it could wash away evidence. Did I need evidence? I knew what I should do. I remember what they taught us. They taught us to call for help, to tell someone.

I didn't want to tell anyone. Ever.