A Two Year Desire

Chapter Forty Three

Nine months ago. 

I never really understood the reason for therapy, why does someone need to go to a person to talk about their problems? I have always seen them as strangers who know private stuff about others I found them useless yet here I am sitting in Lily the therapist's chair trying to figure out why the fuck I actually make an appointment all we do is just here in silence she looks at me while I stare back its been like this for the past 5 minutes from the last time we talked which I had asked her what was the time since my phone had died. 

"I once waited for a person to talk for three hours" She tells me causing me to look up from my shoes to her eyes. "Isn't each session like an hour and something minutes?" 

"Now they are it was the most boring client I won't say her feelings or problems weren't valid because they were but she talked super slow that she can even put me to sleep" I give her a small laugh. 

"Don't pretend" I lift an eyebrow "Don't pretend that was funny, im not" Im confused and she catched up from my expression causing her to speak again. "You pretended to laugh at it when in reality it isn't funny" 

"It would feel disrespectful if I didn't laugh and it would get awkward again" I explain "Is that something you do a lot?" I shrug "Are you asking if I pretend all the time?" Im not trying to open up especially with lily as much as she looks and sounds like a sweet person I hate opening up to people it makes me feel vulnerable or that they have some control over my mind. 

"Do you?" she asks back I stare at her back just as bankly, im not a fake person I don't mask emotions or pretend that im happy when in reality im sad actually im lying I do, I hate the fact that I do but at the same time I think im doing a good thing because then others don't have to worry about me and I won't become a burden to them I hate when people know exactly how im feeling it makes me mad at the fact that they can see through me when I can't even do that myself. 

"Adelina?" I zoned out how embarrassing "I don't think I should be here" I quickly stand up grabbing my bag from the chair. "You're a runner" 

"There is no shame in being one" I tell her "You have demons eating you up that you can't even speak about them" I laugh at her ridiculousness "Please, really demons?" she nods. "Tell me about them tell me why do you get so sad or mad that you can't even talk about them" I huff out a laugh before settling my bag down to the seat. 

"You really want to know? Well It's to the point where sometimes It gets so sad that it's even hard to breathe, to fucking breathe" I repeat "So explain to me since you're the big hot shot doctor tell me how im supposed to talk about my 'demons' when they are sitting on my lungs" 

I try and swallow back the lump in my throat "I swear I was doing okay, I was doing so much better I made so much progress I was almost even happy, I don't know what happened something went wrong and now I find myself every night gasping for air and I don't know when it happened but I started losing my mind again I think im missing pieces of myself and I have no Idea how to find them" tears start to form "I swear I was doing okay" My voice comes out sounding weak. 

"Adelina" I stop her "I was doing okay" wiping my eyes I speak again "Months came and months went each day I pretended I smiled knowing that someone might need a smile today even if it's not me I said good morning to people even though that morning I didn't sleep and stayed up all night crying I checked up on my friends to see how they were doing they always told me of course but the part that hurt was the 'how about you' that sounded to obligatory. It hurts" 

"What does?" she asks 

"Everything hurts lily everything my heart aches my lungs burn with fire my stomach feels empty my life feels drained out my bones feel like giving up and my life feels done" I fall down to my knees crying "Im done" I cry out as she gets to her knees too hugging me, as much as I don't know her I feel safe. 

~ ~ ~

Now, july 29. 

Our town has a fair each summer for about three weeks before we go back to school, so far the summer hasn't been so bad we have been hanging out as a group almost each day if we aren't at my home watching movies or at the pool we are out exploring or going to different countries for the week but tonight we heard the yearly fair was coming to town and we just had to go. 

"Can we ride that wait no that O.M.G. that one!" Max yells like he's a little kid at a candy store as we enter each of us have the V.I.P passes on our wrist thanks to the mayor's son the ginger. "Calm down little lamb we're going to each but we need a warm up first" Nico speaks loudly trying to find a ride but gets distracted by each girl that passes by us no doubt eye flirting with each boy we have even Max but I get it if Max didn't go for the other team I would be up and at them like they are. 

"I say that one" 

"You're pointing at the blondes ass" Nico moves his pointing finger from the girl to the ride next to her after Dylan's funny comment. "What do you say down to ride "The Big Olympos' Or whatever" Theo asks

"Don't gotta ask me twice" I smile leading him to the roller coaster as our friends follow behind us. 

"Ferris next?" Max asks as we're in line "Let's wait until night for now just enjoy this ride" Theo winks 

I never expected to be spun in the air for so many times and my hair would still be intact and glued to my head it was like flying but the flying where you keep on getting thrown by a giant, bad explanation. 

We went on almost every single ride and didn't stop once, as we walk to the ferris wheel I laugh at the fact that Mathias suggested roller coaster sex while we were almost 100 feet in the air. "You didn't say no earlier" He teases and I know exactly what he was thinking. 

"We were both in different seats strapped down and people down would've seen my underwear" He stops and takes a good look at me as if he had X-ray vision and he could see right through me but with his stare it might be true and he probably could. "You're right those panties are to sexy we can't be showing them around" 

"Sorry? We?" He gives me the 'Are you stupid look' 

"Yes, We what yours is mine and what's mine is yours like this dick and your pussy" I hit him fearing someone might have heard his nonsense. "What its true it's all mine" He laughs jogging to our friends in front of us. 

"Jerkoff" I grit when I reach him "I will but you gotta watch" He winks leading me to the ferris wheel we all decided two per pair well now two since Nico found a girl somewhere. Mathias catches my attention when he tries to unzip his pants "Dude the fuck?" 

"One not your 'dude' never call me that and three you told me and I quote 'jerk off' so it's what im doing" He says in a sassy duh tone catching me in a laugh. He doesn't stop until he has his erection out making my are all hot and bothered. 

"lin" He moans as he places his head back doing as what I told him earlier he moves his hand up and down and i've never found a guy jerking off so hot before until now. I take the challenge since his eyes are now closed and go on my knees teasing him I look up to the smirk on his face. "Couldn't resist?" 

"You looked to hot" I shrug moving his hand and instead me doing the job "Fuck" He groans I take him all in giving each sack the same love and attention until he releases into my mouth I take him all in but don't stop until the last drop is in. 

"You fucking slut" he laughs "What" I asked innocently "You just told me to jerk off and when I do you treat me like your whore and suck me dry bro" I laugh "You are my whore" 

"Hell yeah I am if you keep giving like that" I laugh again "Fucking shit you're hot" he kisses me passionately. 

 It's crazy how life is, Months ago I remember and analyze what was going on I felt so down and alone and now here I am living my life amazingly with my friends and Mathias. We might not be something but it sure as hell feels like a something.