Believe Me ✔️

[5] If Only

One Week Later

I don't think much about the party or That Night anymore. The horrible memory is locked away in a deep, dark part of my mind I only see through nightmares. I haven't slept much. I don't want to. Every time I close my eyes all I see are his and I can feel his hands on me. School started last week and I couldn't bring myself to go. I can't handle everything changing and going back to normal all at once. I need time to think about everything. What I'm going to do and how I'm going to move on. Vanessa and Logan call and text every day, trying to check on me, but I don't let them. They think I have the flu and I'm sparing their health by begging them not to come over. I'm such a great friend. It took a lot to convince Logan not to come over. I can't face them. Not yet. I'm afraid if they saw me now I'd start crying and wouldn't be able to stop. My phone buzzes with another text from Logan.

Logan: Babe where r u??? It's been a week. Starting 2 get worried about u

Addy: I'm fine. Really. I'm fighting a flu. You have football practice coming. I don't want you to lose focus. No need to worry. I'll be back on Monday. Promise.

Logan: Ok if u say so

Addy: I love you

Logan doesn't respond. Typical. I toss my phone aside and hide back under the covers. I've been staying in the guest room downstairs. I only go in my room to change. I can't be in there for long. It's not good. Other than that, I will not step a foot back in that awful permanent crime scene. I had to lock the door so Tyler doesn't see the mess in there. I haven't gotten around the cleaning it yet. I stare at the ceiling, bored out of my mind, and I sit up in fear as the doorknob starts shaking. It's locked. Good. "Addy?" Tyler calls from the other side of the door. "Are you in here? Why is the door locked?"

Climbing off the bed, I walk over, open the door, and lie. "Sorry, I was changing. What's up, Tyler?"

He walks past me in the room. "I've been looking for you. Why are you in the guest bedroom and not your own room?"

"My room's really hot. It's colder in here." Another lie. I make a note to shove my hands in my hoodie. "I like it colder."

"Why haven't you been at school?" I knew Tyler would find out. I'm surprised it took him this long. "And why does Logan think you have the flu?"

"Because I have the flu."

He rolls his eyes. "You haven't had the flu since you were twelve, Ads. Why are you skipping school?" How the hell am I supposed to answer that? Just tell him, Addy. "You're not going back to your old ways, are you?"

Stunned, I shake my head fast. "No, Tyler! I'm not. I swear. I just needed some time before going back to school. I'll go back Monday. I promise."

Tyler nods. "Okay." He leaves the room.

I walk over and lock the door, shaking the knob to be sure. If only I had locked the door That Night. If only I had gone to Walmart. If only I had read the label before accidentally taking sleeping pills. If only I had. I grab my phone from the bed before sitting at the desk in the corner of the room. Dad worked in here sometimes, on the days he actually came home, that is. I move the mouse to expose the screensaver: a picture of Dad, Tyler, and I at the beach a few years ago. Mom took this. The last thing we did as a family before everything fell apart. Her infidelity and crackhead of a boyfriend destroyed this family. I haven't spoken to her in three years; I can't bring myself to. Part of me hasn't forgiven her yet if I ever will.

Tyler hates Mom. His mind's made up. The day Mom left he told me: "I'd die happy if we never see her again." He hasn't talked about her since. I tap through the photos in the gallery, smiling at old memories before they were tainted with the horrible truth. My finger hovers over the mouse as I hesitate to skip the next picture. Mom and I in the backyard, her arms around me as she takes a selfie on her new phone. I forgot about this picture. Bright eyes and big smiles. I haven't smiled like that in a long time. Mom took that with her when she left.

I'm surprised Dad hasn't deleted these photos. Well, then again you have to actually be here in person to do so. I turn and stare at my phone, contemplating a hundred options flying through my mind right now. I should tell Dad. Should I tell Dad? He's a rich and powerful lawyer; maybe he could do something. He wouldn't answer the phone if I called, anyway. I'd have to make an appointment through Stacey, his stupid secretary. Despite knowing that, I grab my phone and dial Dad's office's number. It rings... rings... rings...

I'm shocked when the line clicks through. "Richard Alway's office. This is Stacey speaking. How can I help you today?" Her voice is cheery and pitchy, like always.

"Hi, Stacey. It's Addy." My hands shakes and I almost drop the phone. "Addy Alway."

Stacey's quiet for a moment and that scares me. "Oh. Hi, Addy." She clears her throat. "What can I do for you?"

"Is my dad around?" I ask with all the hope in the world. I just want to talk to him. It's all I've ever wanted, to talk and for him to listen. Really listen. "I really need to talk to him."

"I'm sorry, Addy. Your father's in a meeting right now. Would you like me to take a message?"

My shoulders shake as I start crying, muffling my sobs over the speaker so Stacey doesn't hear. The last thing I need is her feeling sorry for me. "He is? A-Are you able to pull him out real... real quick? Please? I just need two minutes."

Stacey sighs. We have this same phone call once or twice a month. She has her lines memorized. "I can't do that, Addy. This meeting's been planned for months. It's very important and your father specifically asked not to be bothered for any reason."

"Please?" I ask again even though I know it won't work. It never has. I just wish Dad would put me before his work, just once. Stacey's silence answers my questions. No matter how much I beg and plead my Dad won't come to the phone. "Yeah. I figured as much. I'm sorry for bothering you."

"Would you like to leave a message, Addy?" Stacey's voice is full of concern. "I can make sure your father gets it as soon as his meeting's finished."

That Night isn't something I want to leave in a message. Instead, I said, "Yeah, ask him if he remembers that he has two kids at home." I hang up before hearing her response. It would've been awkward silence, anyway. I throw my phone against the computer as I start crying again and hide my hands over my face.

At least Mom's consistent. She left and stayed gone. Dad comes and goes as he pleases. I never know when he'll be home or how long he'll be gone.