Ghost of You

t w e n t y - t w o

"There's still no sign of him."

Sam was leaning back in his swivel chair, his arms behind his bed as he spoke to the group in the conference room. 

"I'm beginning to think he's never going to show his face. Not unless someone forces his hand." 

He stretched out his legs, propping his feet up on the edge of the table.

"Not to mention he could still be under H.Y.D.R.A's control." Nat added, jabbing the end of her pen into Sam's shoe until he moved his feet back to the floor.

"Bucky saved me from that river." Steve said firmly. "Why would he do that if he was still working for H.Y.D.R.A.?"

"I don't know." Sam shook his head. "But that's not enough to prove anything. Could have been a fluke."

The group continued to bicker for a while about the best ways to go about tracking Barnes and what the current mental state of him would be if and when that day ever came. I just sat there quietly, my eyes tracing the lines on the surface of the wooden table. It's not like I was purposefully trying to be unhelpful, I just didn't really have anything to add to the conversation. Steve and Barnes had a history I knew nothing about, and Sam and Nat had both fought him before. I didn't really know anything about the guy, mental state and current whereabouts included.

"So we just sit and wait until he pops up somewhere?" Steve asked, incredulously.

"You got any better ideas?" Sam retorted. 

Just then Nat's phone started to ring and she dismissed herself from the room, giving my shoulder a squeeze as she did. Sam and Steve continued to argue but their voices faded into the distance. My hands found the hem of my dress, smoothing out the fabric repeatedly.  

Since moving upstate, I had quickly abandoned the pencil dresses I used to wear, opting for something more comfortable that I could train in. I had been training so much it seemed pointless to keep changing in and out of my workout gear, especially when almost everyone else around me was also in some sort of tactical gear. I had hoped wearing this dress would make me feel a little bit more like that girl who knew what she wanted and wasn't afraid to go after it. The girl that hadn't tolerated any bull shit from bosses, coworkers, and everything in between. But it clearly hadn't.

The truth was, I hadn't felt like that girl in a long time. I was at a complete loss as to how to get her back. It was more and more difficult for me to feel present. I was more of a shell of myself than anything else, a mirrored projection of the girl I was supposed to be but had been completely and thoroughly emptied, hollowed out from top to bottom. If someone tried to touch me I wouldn't have been surprised if they just passed right through, as if they had tried to reach out to feel a hologram.

"(Y/n)?"

My head shot up, leaving the grey fabric to look up at the sound of the voice. Sam must have left without me noticing because Steve was the only one left in the room.  

"Oh sorry." I said, shooting up from the chair, straightening out my dress. "I'll just be going."

I turned quickly for the exit, which was thankfully right next to my chair. Steve was all the way on the other end of the table but for now, even that felt too close. We hadn't been alone together since my disastrous baking attempt a few days ago and I definitely wasn't going to break that trend now. Apparently, Steve had other plans because I heard his chair scrape the floor and hurried footsteps following me as I began to walk through the office floor.   

"Back to the dresses I see." Steve said, falling into step with me as I worked my way through the maze of desks. "I was sort of getting used to the leggings."