Ghost of You

t w e n t y - o n e

I've never been much of a chef.

I don't have the patience to work through recipes with long instructions and twenty different ingredients. On top of that doing dishes just might be my least favorite thing in this world. Still, I managed to find myself standing at the kitchen counter, staring back and forth between a bag of baking powder and baking soda, wondering what could possibly be the difference between the two identical white powders.

None of this information holds much value other than to emphasize just how far I was willing to go to avoid crossing paths with Steve Rogers.

It was hard to believe that six months had passed since I made the move to the upstate facility. So much had changed since then and at the same time, it felt like nothing had changed at all. Maybe this was because I was still resorting to the same old tricks to deal with my problems, keeping as busy as humanly possible. Not only did this help me continue to forget the still reoccurring texts I would receive from my father, but it also helped to keep my mind off the man who had seemingly invaded it.

It had been a week since my conversation with Nat, a week since I had learned the reasons why Steve had made those rules about his past. My plan had been to gradually distance myself from him, to slowly phase out of our arrangement until we were back to being only coworkers. Frankly, I hated this plan, which was probably why I was so bad it. What was supposed to be a gradual decline had turned into more of a steep drop off of a cliff, given that I avoided every chance that I'd bump into him in a non-professional setting. I'd cancelled each training session, opting to work on the foundation he had given me privately. I worked late into the hours of the night in hopes that I wouldn't find him waiting for me at my door. Well, that was a lie. Because, I would have done anything to find him waiting for me outside of my room. I just couldn't trust myself around him. I would give in too easily, completely forgetting the many reasons why I had to end our agreement. That was seeming like an inevitability at this point because either way I would lose the one person that had ever made me feel this way.

I forced myself to listen to my brain, that this was the right thing to be doing in the long run but my heart just hadn't caught up yet. My heart yearned to be back in his arms, my legs swung over his as we sat by the bonfire. In my soul, the one place I wanted to be, was with him. I had hoped in time, that I might miss him less, that the little hole that had appeared in my heart since I had started to try and force Steve out of it would begin to heal. But my attempts at destroying my growing feelings for Steve were futile and unproductive. They only left my heart bruised and my soul restless and lonely. I should have known that absence only makes the heart grow fonder.

This was why when his voice called out to me, three little words were enough to send my entire being into a confused and conflicted state. Three insignificant and meaningless words were able to stir up an array of emotions so wide, I wasn't sure which way was up and which way was down.

"There you are."

Steve made his way from the entry way and into the kitchen. I was standing at the island, a mess of ingredients and bowls out in front of me. I tried to divert my eyes from his as he moved towards me, but I couldn't seem to pull my gaze from his, no matter how hard I tried. He was wearing jeans and a white t-shirt, layered with a dark blue jacket that brought out the already clear blue of his eyes. He came to a stop standing directly across from me on the other side of the counter, giving me an annoyed expression.

"I've been looking all over for you."

I gave him some awkward motion between a small wave and a salute and quickly turned my attention back to my recipe.

Baking was good. Baking was safe. Steve Rogers, bad. Baking, good.

"This is the fourth training session you've cancelled this week." He said pointedly. "And you still haven't gotten that move we've been working on down."