Ghost of You

t h i r t e e n

"What the hell is going on with you?"

I shot up in my chair, my spoon clattering in my half empty cereal bowl. I'm not sure if I had fully dozed off or just zoned out but either way I could see the imprint of where my chin had been resting in my hand. 

"You look like you haven't gotten a good night's sleep in days." Nat continued, pulling a chair out next to me, taking a seat at the same table with a granola bar clutched in her other hand.

"I'm alright." I replied, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. "I just couldn't fall asleep last night."

She looked at my skeptically as she peeled the wrapper off her bar. 

"But you've been like this for two weeks now."

"Yea well..." I shrugged. "We get up early here and I work late, you know how it is."

I could see her appraising me out of the corner of my eye. Obviously I hadn't fooled her but honestly right now I was too tired to care. I picked up my spoon again, going to take another bite of my cereal. Thanks to my current state of exhaustion, my spoon missed my mouth and the milk spilled all over the table. 

"That had to be the most pathetic thing I've ever seen." 

I glanced up from the table, as I reached for a napkin to clean up my mess. When I did I saw that Sam Wilson had appeared out of nowhere. 

"That's what I'm here for Bird Man." I replied. "Pure, pathetic entertainment."

"Did she just make a joke?" Sam asked, directing the question towards Nat. 

"Not a very good one." She answered, earning a half-hearted glare from me.

"I'm serious (Y/n), I can tell something's up with you." Nat continued relentlessly. "What aren't you telling me?"

"I like secrets." Sam jumped in, raising his hand as if he was taking a sacred pledge. "You can tell me, I won't tell a single soul, scout's honor."   

I glanced at Nat, seeing some mixture of curiosity and concern on her face. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a little guilty for not telling her about the arrangement I'd made with Steve. I think part of me feared the likely possibility of a judgemental reaction from her but that wasn't the main reason I hadn't told her. Sleeping with Steve however was in fact the reason I'd been even more exhausted than I usually was. 

It had been two weeks since the night I had found Steve outside my door. I had found him outside the same door pretty much every other night since. It was a little scary how quickly we had been able to fall into this pattern. It was a pattern I certainly was enjoying, but it was seriously cutting into my already limited hours designated for sleep. I would find him waiting for me outside my room, I would invite him in, we would hook up and then he'd leave. It was always the same. It was always him coming to find me, it was always my room, never his, and it always ended with me laying in bed alone. I didn't really mind that last bit though. Steve was so tall, and he took up so much space. I liked having my bed to myself so I could starfish out in the middle of the night without concern of doing something embarrassing like snoring or sleep talking. 

I could already picture the look on Nat's face if I explained to her what I was doing with Steve. Even if Steve and I had fallen into this rhythm as quickly as we had, it still felt too early and too precarious of a situation to be involving other people, especially other colleagues. The main issue with that, was that Nat had become more than a colleague to me. I wanted to tell her, and I promised myself I would soon. I would not however, be discussing my sex life with the Bird Man who was still grinning at me conspiratorially from the other end of the table.