The Old Scars | Loki Hurt/Comfort

Memories of Mother

At the same time.

Loki's POV:

After all this time, have I actually found someone that could understand me at least a little bit better than the others? I have thought it all over again and again. My mind has been revolving around what she had said yesterday, what she had done yesterday. For me. Why? Why was she so kind?

By the time she, Y/N, had entered my room yesterday, my mind had felt strangely detached from my body. I was sitting there on the floor, my body was in the room, but my mind wasn't really. All the rage, the sadness, the overwhelming emotions I've been feeling for the last weeks - I couldn't help but let them out and then, if only for a few hours, they were gone. Ironically I had almost felt lonely without them. Some kind of numbness had been ruling my body, but still, I remember what she was like, how she treated me, although I didn't even answer her. She seemed very worried, but in some way almost calm. Later, when I finally dared to look her in the face, I didn't see what I had expected. Her face wasn't one of utter shock or lack of understanding. Not even a little bit like the ones I had seen back then, but in Hel's name, I didn't want to think about them now. 

The way she was so careful when bandaging my arms, trying not to hurt me, trying to protect me when Thor came into the bathroom. Later, when we talked a bit, she was so respectful, not forcing me to tell her anything, respecting my privacy. A smile crossed my lips. She was a pure blessing, and still, there was one thing I didn't understand: Why? Why was she like that?

Maybe I was too attached to her, but since I've lost mother, I haven't met someone who let me relax and feel comforted in any similar way as with Y/N. No, I shouldn't compare her to mother. Y/N is simply a mortal, just one that's slightly different from other human beings. And yet I can't deny how safe and secure I feel in her presence. It's not love, of course it's not, but I begin to feel like since I know her, she's slowly filling the gap left by the loss of mother. How could a simple mortal every replace her. Stop thinking like that, you're dishonoring the dead queen of Asgard.

I don't know why I trust her that much, because I know I really shouldn't, but that's why I didn't yell at her when she entered my room without permission, seeing things she was never supposed to see.

I've always liked silence and being alone better than being with other people, even if they called themselves my friends. Never have I felt a real need for friends. Yet now I'm wishing Y/N was here. I know I am alone, I've been alone my whole life. Except for caring Frigga. Could Y/N be some kind of friend? Probably she's got other fellows too, people she's laughing with right now, friends that make her feel better than I can. The only thing we share is books, we don't even know really much about each other. Why wouldn't she just read her books alone, now that she's seen that side of me? What was there I could give her? Being the god of mischief, I really wasn't someone for "keep this a secret". What other characteristics were important to be a good friend? You should be loyal, honest, kind, ... Stop this shitty list, you already know what conclusion you're gonna come to. You are a monster and would do nothing except exploiting her kindness. My smile continued to fade increasingly faster.

Did she even say she'd visit again? If she just leaves me now as everyone else did, I won't have anyone left. I have a room here, but it's no home. There are so many people here, but do I even have one friend? I don't know. I am not welcome here, the Avengers expect me to stay here in my chamber and not cause any trouble. It's more of an existence than a real life, I'm rotting alive with cruel slowness.

I had already been awake for hours now but I was still sitting in my bed. Although I've certainly had enough sleep, my whole body felt tired. No matter whether I slept or not, it always did. Slowly I lifted my arms. They hurt, every movement felt worse than initially cutting the skin. Still, it felt good in some way. The pain that shot through my brain was distracting me, distracting me from all the thoughts, all the voices in my head. The bandages were red in some places. Y/N had told me we'd change them today. If she really comes. Oh, how I wish she was with me now. If only she'd put her arm around me again, like yesterday, when we lay in bed. It didn't even feel odd. Generally, I hate being touched, but it made me feel so much better yesterday. The way she didn't leave my side until she had to because of the dinner. Mother. Thor wouldn't understand that, he wouldn't understand me, he never had. After fighting Hela, I finally felt brotherly close to him again. Still, when I need him, he isn't there. On the other hand, why should he? I've never told him anything that'd cause him to worry. When achingly shoving the pain down was so much easier than showing it, wasn't that the most reasonable to do?

I want people to notice me, but don't want them to see me truly. I want them to stop laughing about me, but don't want them to think I'm too weak to sustain that.

I noticed my hands had gone into fists and a tear was waiting to roll down my cheek. When I just wanted to wipe it away, my fingers touched something cold. There were more tears on my cheek, but they had turned to ice. Why was it always me, why couldn't I be normal, why did I have to be different. I'm a frost giant, the total opposite of Thor, seemingly a big threat to the Avengers' beloved Earth and now the only sort of friend I have here probably thinks I'm an attention-seeking cutter. Wonderful. Life couldn't get any better I thought to myself, trying to put on that mischievous smile of mine, but the corners of my mouth felt as heavy as the dark clouds on a rainy day. 

All of the sudden, I felt the desperate need to distract myself from all that pain and hurt and loneliness in my heart. Looking around the room, I spotted the book I was reading at the time. It lay on the bed table where I had placed it days ago. The last time I had read in it was when Y/N was with me. My rational mind told me that Y/N wasn't so sensible to be scared of me now or to judge me for doing what I had done, but still, those voices insisted she was turning her back on me forever after what she'd seen. Oh, how I hated those voices. Yet I was carefully listening to what they were saying every time.

A heavy sigh left my lungs, then I stretched and tried to reach the book. It was painful, my limbs were heavy. There were only inches between my fingertips and the book, but from where I currently lay, I couldn't reach it. Life definitely hated me. Maybe it wasn't meant for me. Since I had been a little child, people apparently had their fun in abandoning me. Thor is "way too busy" to look after me since he is with his new friends, and if even Y/N chooses to leave me, I won't know what to do with this wretched life anymore. The strength of my body left me, my arm gave in and I broke down on my bed, shaking.

"Loki? Can I come in?" a familiar voice called from the other side of my provisionally repaired door.

Great, she really couldn't have better timing, could she?

A/N:

Sooo, apparently, I'm too dumb to post regularly, very sorry for that but I hope you who are interested in this story have some patience as I'm really doing the best that I can. I'm also just a kinda destroyed human :D

Lots of love and best wishes

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