The secret pact

Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Maura's pov

I don't know why, but I was relieved to hear that. Jane said that she couldn't do this and it didn't surprise me. Everything seemed so rushed and so very awkward between us. I didn't have any specific expectations about sex, but I've always thought it would happen more naturally and somehow spontaneously. And that I would not have million thoughts inside my head during it.

Maybe it was a mistake. Things between us weren't thought-out and very smooth. Maybe we should have considered discussing it before doing anything, making some plan or at least talk about it first. Things just didn't feel right and it everything felt so very, very awkward. I expected that since Jane's my best friend and I know her very closely, it would be very easy and naturally. But apparently I was wrong. It wasn't naturally at all. And I had million doubts about it. It just didn't feel natural and right and I had no idea why. Maybe just because I was nervous. Even the alcohol didn't help much. And since Jane didn't want it too - it was obvious that she was super nervous like me. And honestly, if she hadn't stopped, maybe I would have stopped her. I was the one who wanted to have sex with her, but the reality turned out to be very different. The expectations I had were so much different. It just felt plain wrong to be with Jane like that so I was glad that she stopped first so I wouldn't have to turn her down which would have been even worse. Perhaps she felt forced to do it anyway because maybe I pressured her, I wasn't very sure how she felt about it. She never even told me. She just agreed – no further questions asked.

Jane stopped kissing me and pulled away. She was lying next to me, breathing heavily. I didn't know what to say to her. I had no idea whether I should apologize for making her do it. Maybe I should confess how I feel about it, but I didn't. I have never felt so awkward around Jane before.

"I just can't do it, Maura." Jane confessed to me after a few long seconds of awkward silence and then she looked away.

"No. It's okay, Jane. We don't have to do it, if you don't want to. Let's just sleep."

It was getting late and Jane had already said to her parents that she would stay the night. I didn't know if that was the right thing to do, but I wasn't the one making her stay. She could stay the night or go – that was her own choice. We were both so nervous and maybe I was a little confused. So could it get any worse than that?

"Really?" she glanced at my way with surprised look.

Did she expect that I would beg her to continue? I had no idea why she seemed so surprised, but I simply nodded.

"Good night, Jane."

I didn't muster courage to say anything else to her. And I didn't know what I could possibly say.

"Night, Maura."

She turned around and fell silent. I suppose she was trying to fall asleep. I had no idea did she regret doing it. She didn't say anything so I didn't want to ask. Maybe Jane was tired and wanted to get some sleep, or maybe she just didn't feel like talking about it. She wasn't that talkative when it comes to sex anyway. But I decided to let it go and get some sleep. The good thing was that when Jane stays the night, I feel more relaxed and safe. And I sleep better when she's around.