The secret pact

Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Jane's pov

I was such a liar. I lied to my best friend and it was for the first time. Sometimes when people get angry they just don't think straight and they say things that they don't really mean. Just like I did. I didn't mean to say all these horrible things to Maura. I didn't mean anything of what I said - not a single word. Anger was the culprit - it had taken control over me. What I said to Maura was so, so far from the truth. I crossed the line - I knew that, and I regretted it so very much. There was nothing I could do about it though. I could never take my words back after I hurt Maura so deeply. She would never forgive me. I should have thought before I talked! I didn't know how it all happened. Our argument just escalated so fast and I was so frustrated that I simply lost control. And I shouldn't have. But everything happened so quickly and even I couldn't prevent myself from talking without any thought whatsoever. The words just slipped out of my mouth and I felt more hurt by them even than Maura. Of course I could've apologized right away, but I knew that nothing would ever erase the memory in her mind. How is it possible to love someone and hurt them so badly at the same time? The worst kind of hurt I felt was when I lied about the pact - my words were like a sword that pierced through her heart. But they were like a boomerang that got back at me the minute I said them, and they came back with such a strong force that I simply had nothing left to do than leave. There was nothing to say, no lame excuse would suffice. Maura wouldn't forgive me for my hurtful words and I knew that very well. But I couldn't blame her if she never did.

I felt like a horrible person for making Maura suffer with all the bullshit I said to her. I felt like the lowest human being on earth. Nothing could justify my behavior, but it was just that I got very upset when Maura didn't react the way I expected. I expected that she would jump with enthusiasm, like she usually did when I tell her some great news. I expected she would want me to go to Cambridge with her. And sadly, she didn't seem very pleased when I told her. She wasn't pleased at all, and I had no idea why was that. Maura acted like she didn't even care. She was more obsessed about the fact that I haven't told her in advance. But it was meant to be a surprise. I wanted her to be happy. Even though I couldn't study there, I thought that Maura would at least support me. We could've tried to figure something out together in order to make it all work. I thought she would want to discuss it and think about every possible option I had ahead of me just to make things happen. The least Maura could do was to congratulate me. Honestly, I did it all for her. Because I really wanted to go to Boston Cambridge University with her. Maura was the only reason I applied there in the first place. I saw it as a chance to stay together and keep our friendship. Couldn't she see that?

Lately I have been feeling very frustrated. I slept with Maura months ago, and yet I still couldn't believe we crossed that line. But now I just couln't see Maura through an eyes of a best friend – things have changed completely after the pact we made. Our secret pact changed everything between us. It changed the way I look at Maura. It changed our friendship as well. Now every time I look at Maura, I don't see her as a best friend anymore. I always think of the morning we spent together, taken back by the memories, which were still so vivid in my mind. Then I instantly get an urge to hug her, and kiss her, and taste her sweet lips again, and lick... Well, usually, I try to prevent myself from thinking things like that, avoiding looking at her beautiful eyes and her sexy body. I expected Maura felt the same way. But expectations versus reality are two very different, distinctive things. I was disappointed in Maura, but I was disappointed with myself even more.

I couldn't believe that just in a couple of months I have to leave for college. Leaving Maura would be the hardest thing I would ever have to do. I just couldn't even imagine it. And it had to be exactly now when I just have found out a whole new side of her. Just when I stared developing some feelings towards her. I hated that fact, but as I said to her, I couldn't go to Cambridge because I knew very well that my parents can't afford it. And I couldn't get a scholarship either. I didn't even know why I applied, honestly. I truly didn't expect to get accepted, as I told Maura. And I simply did it, hoping for the best outcome. I honestly thought that I wouldn't be accepted, but I applied in order not to have any doubts. I simply didn't want to constantly ask myself what if. I did it just so I could make peace with it and tell myself that at least I have tried. I saw a glimmer of hope and I took advantage of it like a drowning man grasping at a straw. It was silly of me – I just got high hopes, believing that things would happen magically. I simply believed that somehow things would work out, which usually never happens anyway so I ended up disappointed. It was really silly of me but I liked the odds. I didn't tell Maura that I applied because I wanted to be a big surprise if I got accepted. I hoped she would be very happy too, but things didn't happen as I expected. Actually nothing happened as I hoped. I simply wanted to go to Cambridge with Maura. I wanted to tell her about my feelings, but I ended up making things even worse. And it was entirely my fault so I had to bear the consequences. I simply hoped that Maura would forgive me so we could end our friendship in good terms before we both leave for college and go our separate ways.