The secret pact

Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Jane's pov

After my sleepover at Maura's I didn't do anything to change things between us. By the time I woke up Maura was already out of the room, talking with our parents, so I didn't even get a chance to talk to her in the morning. Maybe that was for the best because it would have been very tempting to wake up next to Maura, see her beautiful face so close to me, lean closer to her for our morning kiss and then everything would have become painfully awkward between us. I would have forgotten that we weren't in such a good terms at that moment because I am usually very sleepy in the morning, so Maura would have read my intentions to kiss her just by a simple glance. And everything would have become awkward and maybe even worse than before. Maura would have had plenty of time to ask me the same question all over again, longing to know the truth. I would have had to lie to her or avoid her questions completely once again which would have been really, really hard. So maybe I was kind of glad and somehow relieved that she wasn't there when I woke up in the morning. And I haven't seen her since then.

It has been just a few days but I couldn't stop thinking about Maura. I started counting the days that I had ahead of me before I had to leave and go to college. It was actually my mother's idea and she started the counting down, turning it into something like a tradition just a month ago, but it became kind of annoying for me because I couldn't get Maura off my mind, and I kept thinking that with every day that passed I got less and less time to be with her. My chances were getting smaller with every single day and they flew away so fast. My mother even put a calendar in my room and started crossing out every day that had passed, always saying that she had such little time to enjoy my presence. So I was reminded of Maura constantly, thinking how time was flying by and worrying that I didn't have many days left to be with her. I was simply going with the flow, not doing anything to get her back. I wasn't sure what to do anymore. I missed my chance and I was still convincing myself it was for the best to leave things the way they were with Maura. For her own sake. And mine too.

That day I just couldn't stop thinking about Maura. I stared at the calendar with all the crossed days that had passed, thinking how time was flying. I was thinking about everything that happened between me and Maura, everything she had said to me and all of her questions that I left unanswered. But what I really needed at that moment was to forget about her and focus of the future, even though it didn't seem very bright when I thought that Maura wouldn't be there. A cold, dark future without having Maura by my side, without seeing her every single day, sharing stuff with her. I needed to relax and stop thinking, torturing myself with all these bad thoughts about Maura and about my future.

I was in my room and I felt kind of lonely when I knew that Maura wouldn't stop by or call me. I needed to hear her voice because I haven't heard from her for a few days. Instead I tried to forget about Maura completely and erase everything that happened between us from my mind. At least for a while. I decided to play some music, trying to relax and not think about the whole situation. I was lying in my bed so I closed my eyes and cleared my mind, listening to the radio. Friends by Aura Dione started playing at the moment. I listened to the song; the chorus was going like that:

But at least I got my friends
Share a rain coat in the wind
They got my back until the end
If I'll never fall in love again
Well at least I got my friends
Like a light bulb in the dark
Saving me from the sharks
Even though I got a broken heart
At least I got my friends.

"Great, even the radio hates me!" I thought to myself when I heard the lyrics. It was like the radio was mocking me for losing my friend. My only best friend. I knew that probably it was just a pure coincidence, but I quickly got up from bed and turned the radio off, annoyed. It just got me thinking about Maura, even though I was trying to think about anything but her. At least Aura Dione had friends, unlike me. I probably lost mine. Forever. And even I hated myself for that. I was the one to blame for our ruined friendship. I could easily tell Maura the truth, but I was torn apart. My mind was telling me that the rational thing that I needed to do was to hide my feelings from Maura, but with all of my heart I simply wanted to confess to her that I love her. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but it was a secret that I had to hide from her and everyone else.

I was deep in thought when I saw that Maura was calling me. I was surprised to see that she was calling me since these days we rarely spoke on the phone, but then I quickly thought that most probably I had forgotten something in the house. I simply couldn't think of any other reason why she was calling. But Maura told me that she wanted to see me. I had no idea why and what it was all about. I didn't even ask. We weren't that close lately so I couldn't imagine why she wanted to see me. But I knew I had to go.