alone again / Finished BxB /

eyebags

I force myself up from the coutch and move to my bed and just falling down. I dont even bother putting the blankets on me or changing into some pjs or put some cream on the faint bruises.

The nights are starting to take so long again. Its without sleep or anyone with me to comfort me.

The memories of the past start coming back to me over and over again and wont leave my mind for ages. I dig my nails into my hand trying to make them stop with the pain but no matter how much i digged them into my skin it wont stop coming back to me.

His body is in my arms again at the side of the road. I sobered up so quickly when the car hit us. There is blood coming from his head and he isnt moving or breathing. His body heat slowly loses the warmth and so does the color in his face.

Its all my fault.

I scream to myself to make the memories stop floading back but it doesnt happen. Its like a dam thats trying its best to stop water from spilling out of there but the pressure is to much on it.

Flashes of memories keep coming back to me. The lights of the car and then i see the blood covering my hands and body while i hold my best friends dead body.

I thought the worst part was already over at that moment. I thought waiting for the ambulance to come and save us was the hard part – but i was wrong. Its what comes after it. The guilt you have to carry on your shoulders for ever. The way you knew you would pay any price to have it turn out diffrent. But even with so much pain the sun goes up ans a different day comes and you know u cant change the past and everything that happend. The worst part was standing in the shower getting the blood of my body and just feeling your heart ripped out of your body.

Flashes of memory keep coming and going again and again taking me back to 2 years ago. I dig my nails in my skin so much that there is blood coming out of them. After a bit the flashes of memory stop coming and i try to breath normal again. The sweat from my body is making me shiver and feel so cold. Some tears on my cheek have dried up but get wet again by the new ones coming.

I probably look worse then ever but at this moment i really dont care. I go under the blankets again so i wont be so cold. Maybe i deserve to be as cold as my bestfriend was that day.

I fall asleep not long after. I wake uo with a huge headache and a pain in my hand . I look down and see the blood i caused but digging my nails into them. Some of the blood smeared on to the cream colored blankets.

I take a deep breath and the painfull memories slowley come back but i shut them out fast. I go to the bathroom and take some roll of bandage that i got and roll it around my hand do the blood wont spread anywhere else.

I look at the clock and see its already 11 pm. I should probably eat something. I look dead and even the bit of emotion i had looks to be fully out of my eyes.

I go to the kitchen and take some cereal i had laying around and force it down again. I will try and eat atleast 2 meals now. I need to act like i am oke .

Its around 12 pm ish after i am done eating an scrolling on my phone just waiting for the day to end. I heared the doorbell again.

I think the group is here to try and check if i havent died yet and if i was i would probably get dragged out of my apartment.

I open the door and see its only xiever there. "Why are u here?" I ask him. I dont want to sound rude but i really dont feel like having someone here to drag me out of the house. "You look terrible" he says to me and scratches the back of his neck again.

"Can i come in?" He asks me with a polite voice but before i could say no he walks trough the door. He wont take no for a awnser and i dont feel like wasting my enegry.

I sit on the coutch again and xiever sits next to me again. "Are u okay?" He asks me and looks at me with full emotion "can i lie?" I ask him. He knows its a stupid question. "How bad do you want me to leave right now on a scale of 1 to 10" he says to me. Weird question but i want him to leave to be honest. "8"  i respond to him "not enough to make me leave" he says to me and crosses his arms over each other and smiles at me.

I dont even have the engery to try and smile at him right now. "Are u here to drag me out of the house or something?" I ask him "no, i am just here to check up on you" he says while looking at my tired face. "Did dean ask u to check up on me?" I want to know why he is here "i came up all by myself, i dont think they even know i am here" he says to me and gets up.

"Your apartment surprisingly doesnt stink" he says to me and walk to the kitchen. "Youre going to act like my maid again to get me out?" I say to him. I guess it kind off needs to be done so i will just let him.

"I just wanna hang out with u and i will just clean your apartment in the meantime" he responds to me and smiles again. He lets the water run and washes the fewer dishes then  i had last time. And then he cleans up the vodka bottle from last time and just cleans the kitchen and livingroom but doesnt go into my apartment.

When hes done he sits down next to me again and acts very dramatic like his about to die and puts his head onto my lap. "How can u repay me now?" He says with the weirdest female impression ever "with me not kicking u out" i say and push his face slightly with my hand.

"Not enough" he says and rolls his eyes. I groan at his stupidity what does he even want. "Fine but i better be staying long for this much hard work" he says to me in his normal voice again and smiles at me. "I guess" i say to him and roll my eyes.

I run my fingers trough his hair again like he did last time by me. His hair isnt as short as mine but just slighly longer. Its down to his ears a bit. He got around 6 piercings in one ear asfar as i counted and 4 in the other one. But still the piercings dont see to make him feel more scary.

"You need a maid" he says looking around again "no i got you" i reply sarcasticly "this is probably the payback i dreserve and for calling you princess" he says to me "yeah" i say proudly and we both laugh

He wears more baggy clothes but the trendy type not the homeless look i got going for me. His more well taken care off and looks like a model instead of a abandoned street dog.

His eyes are beautiful and when the sunlight hits them they turn a more hazel like.

"What did u do with the group yesterday?" I ask him so it isnt so silent. "Mhmm we just got some food and chilled at the park we all went to last time" he says to me "why didnt you come ?" He asks me , i know that he knows why but I'll still awnser him. "I just didnt have any engery" i tell him and he just gives me a understanding smile.

He looks me straight into my eyes and just studys my face like i just did by him "the bruises are almost gone" he says to me "oh no! Your masterpiece! " i say to him in the most sarcastic tone ever and let out a mini laugh. Xiever looks at me more serious but still laughs at me.

thats it for this chapter heheheh