alone again / Finished BxB /

forever

I woke up again the next day and did the same routine as the past few days. I know it doesnt mean a lot to most people but it feels consistent and great. It makes me feel more alive then a statue.

These last few weeks have been better then ive ever felt in years. 3 years the be exact. I still think if i pass away soon i wpuldnt go out sad. I would smile looking back at the memories ive made. I feel complete and alive, i am afraid it will stop one day.

I am scared i will be alone again. I am scared to lose my friends and to lose everything i have. But for now i have to focus of the bright side right? I brush my fingers agaisnt the scars ive made myself and take a big sign.

I knew i would regret this later if i still lived and i was right. I am regretting it. Would i take it back? No. I think it only made me stronger and made me feel the way i feel right now. Without downs the highs dont feel the same, atleast thats what i like to think.

Ive got a pretty basic outfit on right now. Just some basic beige cargo pants and a white tshirt with some cars on it. Basic but still not bad. Most of the scars on my arms are visible but i dont care. Lately i stoped caring about that sort of thing. It happend and i cant turn it back right?

I hear my phone ring and see its hayden. Its still feels weird seeing his name pop up on my phone. I awnser his call and hear his deep voice again after 3 years since the last call we ever made together.

Hayden : hey
Me : hey?
Hayden : you want to uhhh maybe get some food? Like we used to.
Me : just the two of us?
Hayden : if youre oke with it.
Me : sure meet me at *restaurant name*

We hang up the phone and i laugh at the awkwardness. We never really hung out alone a lot. It was always elijah or noah who was with us. I like it that we are going alone for a change.

I take a black jacket and bike to the restaurant.  Its around 1 pm so its still pretty early. I spot Hayden at the front of the restaurant waiting for me. He is wearing some blue jeans and a black tshirt, pretty basic too but it flatters his muscular bodyshape.

"Hey" i say when i walk over "hey" he says kind off shy. "Were you waiting long?" I ask him "no, i just got here a few minutes ago" i not at him and we walk to a tabel and a waitress comes and we both order some drinks first.

"So how have you been" i ask him trying to clear the awkward silence. "Pretty good actually, i even got a girlfriend" he says proudly showing a picture of her. "You never showed me your boyfriend" he says to me and looks at my phone. "He is do famous i cant show him" i say sarcasticly "yeah yeah just show me" he laughs at me and i showed the photo i took of him when he was laying on my chest.

"He does look famous" he says to me trying to figure out who it is. "He just has a insta account thats everything" i say to him making sure he knows it was a joke. "Ohhh makes sense maybe i saw him on there" he says puzzled.

The waitress comes again and we order some food for the both of us and wait again. "Anyways what did you do these past 3 years" hayden asks me and i am scared to awnser him. "Uh i made some friends and got a boyfriend" i say to him and he knows by the sound of my voice i am not telling the whole story. "Anything else?" He asks me "no" i say shortly trying not to make this conversation to sad.

"Oh" he says hoping i did say more. "Its so fucking hot here" he says to me and looks at my jacket. "Oh i am fine" i say forgetting i didnt put on long sleeves. "You look like youre burning" he says to me laughing. "I am more cold actually" i lie to him and we both laugh.

We talk some more about the past 3 years and turns out he adopted a dog and got a pet bird too. I just laugh at the jokes he tells not talking to much about the past when he was gone. "Dash pls take of your jacket i feel like imma heat up whenever i look at you" he says laughing and i take a other sip of my drink. "Fine" i say not wanting to put up with it any longer.

I take off the jacket but he doesnt at me immediately. "Fuck man" he says to me taking my arm in his hand. I try to put my jacket on again but he stops me. "I dont mind it" he says to me trying to sound caring but the shocked undertone is more loud. "Its fine if you want me to out my jacket on" i say quitly trying not to look his way. "No its fine i just thought u were good" he says to me and gives me a reasuring smile.

"Anyways so did you see the new" he ssys and starts talking about something else while i get lost in my thoughts. He doesnt look to worried tho and most of the scars are older and less extreem then before. I like the time between just us two. Its refreshing and strangly new for me.

We finish up out food and decide to go on a short walk. "do you wanna talk about it?" He asks me pointing at my arm "if your comfortable" i say to him. "Yeah ofcource" he says to me. "I gues after elijah dies..." i stop and realise its the first time we said his name. "Uhh after he died i felt lost i guess. Girlfriend broke up with me and i pushed you guys away so it was a tuff 2 years all alone. Ofcource i had dean but he was very busy with other people what i understand like who wants to take care of a depressed friend when u can go party. But i am feeling better mentally then i did before" i say to him and he just nots at me and i could see him think of a awnser.

"I dont know what to say if i am being honest. But i would like to get to know you better then i did in the past. I know i can be difficult and look very distant but i think i am just more scared of losing someone... but after he died i think i realised that it didnt matter how good i know them that they will die one day maybe later or sooner but they will." He says to me and i get kind off shocked by what he says "whole poetry book" i say and we both laughed at the stupid joke.

He looks my way again and i couldfeel he was about to say something hard. "You came by his grave every week. What changed?" He asked me "how did you know that?" I ask him confused. "I saw the fresh flowers every single week, and suddenly it stopped" he says kind off disapointed. "I.. i was in the hospital after a attempt and i thought to myself that i should act like he never existed.." i say quietly and he nots as he process the information. "That's fine" he says to me and puts his hand on my back.

"Its getting late though we should probably get home" i say to escape the hard topics. "Yeah sure" he says to me and gives me a hug. Its still feels weird to hug him but i like it. His big arms make me feel save somehow.

We went back home separately and i let myself fall face first in my bed. I am exhausted, happy, sad, and tired all in one. It was nice though talking to him alone instead of having  someone else with us. It feels like i got to know him more today then i have gotton to know him the years we talked.

I go and change my clothes and go to bed early. I dont even feel the need for some dinner because i am still full of the late lunch we had together. It was a nice day though.

Thats it for this chap i hope u all like it, its more focused on his friends then romance this time :)