alone again / Finished BxB /

idk the titel yet lol

I wake up in the middle of the night with you sleeping peacefully on mt chest. I dont know why but a wave of guilt washes over me. You were perfect today while i cant even tell you what happend with apollo.

I have to tell u some day right? I dont want to make everything complicated and destroy a whole friendgroup - but i cant just keep quiet. I want to telk you everything and about how sorry i am but i dont know if i can put myself up to it.

I dont know how long you guys were friends and how close everyone is with him.  Its weird i dont know you that well but feel like i have known you longer then myself. I know every little spot and moles on your skin but dont even know your favourite color. Its weird knowing someone so well akd at the same time not knowing them at all. 

Maybe the group will tell me i am a lier and that i am wrong in everything. I dont even know what i would do then. Can i really life without you in my life? I just want to be with you more then i ever wanted to be with anyone and its scary. I dont want to fuck anything up but still i do.

I look your way again and see the peacefull look on your face. Your whole face is calm and relaxed. I cant ruin this. U pull me in tighter to yourself even in a dream. Youre so trusted of me while im out here doing this shit. I feel asleep again and hugged you closer.

We both woke up at 11pm in each others arms. I gave xiever a kiss on the top of his head and i could see the smile he gave me, So beautiful and happy. I made some pancakes while xiever woke up jade to go eat something. "You guys looked like you slept fine" she said half asleep sitting by the table. 

"Yeah" i say and try to hide my rosey cheeks. Xiever scrathes the back of his neck and gives jade a awkward laugh. Jade acts like us dating is the most normal thing on earth. I like the fact that she isnt to awkward around me but like its been like this for years.

"You made a choice about movingin yet?" She asks me "im not sure yet" i respond to her with a awkward laugh. I want to be with him all the time of course but i think it will be annoying to him after some time. Besidesim pretty young still and i want to have a little more freedome for now. The money part for the rent isnt a problem because my parents will for it anywaysto keep me away.

"It would be nice" xiever says to me with a cute smile and i could feel myself melting away. "I will definitely think about it" i say but the doubt in my voice i obvious. Not everything goes like fairy tales and perfection.

What if i get some stupid depression episode and then i have to make sure not to show them that i feel like dying. Right now i can ignore the world and lay on the bathroom floor not beong bothered but if i would move here i cant do that. I would need to get up ans fake a smile and act like i didnt just make myself bleed. The commitment is bigger in so many aspects .

I finish making the food and serve it to them and for myself too. I put some wipped cream on the pancakes and some sryup. "Anyways what will you guys do today" jade asks me with a mouth full off food. "Probably hangout with the group later because i haven't seen them in a long time. Ive been to busy with... things" he says looking my way when he says things. I guess i am keeping him from his friends. "I need to do some things" i lie to them. I know its bad but i cant think of even looking apollo in the eyes right now. 

"You sure you dont want to come with me?" Xiever asks me eith disappointment in his voice and face. "I will next time. Besides ive been keeping you gorm your friends for ages so just go" i encourage him and he still looks so disapointed but doesnt protest it. "Dean isnt coming right? " i ask him just to be sure. "Pretty sure he isnt coming, he has been to busy with this chick" xiever responds. Just like i thought.

We finish the breakfast pretty quickand wash the dishes off with the 3 of us. There not a lot of dishes bht everyone wanted to help their part out anyways. Jade leaves pretty much after she ate and styled her hair because she is meeting some of her friends to go out and eat something. Now its just me and xiever alone.

Whenever nobody is around he is way more touchy then he normally is. He comes towards me and gives me a smal kiss. "you sure you dont want to come with us. I am pretty sure apollo is there too" he says trying to let me come with him not realising he is the reason. "Ive got to clean out the apartment and my mom said shr will call because of a announcement or something" i say, its not a lie this time. She texted me at 3 am because of the time difference that she had something to tell me.

Last time she did one of these announcements she told me that she was coming back for the holidays. It was the first time i saw her again after her 2 years abroad in itally. She was like a totally diffrent person but i pushed away the tears i wanted to cry and acted like everything wss fine. Dad hasnt been coming back to america because he is 'to busy' what actually means that he doesnt want to come back and meet me. I know it sounds shitty to say this over your own dad but he never really paid attation to me anyways. Maybe the announcement is that she adopted a new cat or that shes moving to a other part of italy to enjoy more sun or for better business.

"Should i drop you off at your place?" Xiever asks me pulling me out of my day dream lost in thought. "Uh yeah" i say still being a bit lost. "Didnt your car break down" i ask him "ive got jades old car for the moment but its better then the other car ever was so it isnt to bad anyways" he says laughing at me. "Oh okay then" i say.

We walk to the car and it's an older nissan but honestly not to bad. It looks like any decent car that ive seen. "Why would she buy a new one this one is perfectly fine" i ask confused "she said that she will be rich soon and wanted to have a better car" xiever laughs.

"Is she rich?!" I ask confused. "Shes rich in her mind but not accutaly" he says and we both laugh at the joke. I step into the car and it smels like those cheap scents for cars that you buy at the gas station. The car is clesn overal and there is not a trace of trash other then a gum wrapper. We arive pretty quick and i go back to my apartment .

As soon as im inside i could feel the pressure coming up again. Its not lime a anxiety attack but more just a burden.  I will tell xiever one day, maybe soon before apollo says it first. I dont know if xiever would even belive him but all i can do is just hope he doesn't believe whatever he tells him what happend.

Maybe he will lie about everything and then i cant devent it because i am not there. I should probably stop overthinking and try to clear my head. I cant keep worrying about it all the time just because i am a fucking pussy. I mean nothing really happend. He did tell me i should keep a close eye on xiever... i dont know why tho.

If he spreads lies about everything i will make sure he pays back for it. But lets not think about the bad case scenario but about the good. Maybe i should try and clean the apartment so it looks better next time xiever comes over so it wont be such a huge mess.

Thats all for this chap hope u like it <3