Indie and Sawyer's Lockdown Blues

Day 20 continued

I play on my keyboard in my room through my headphones, trying to gain some comfort from the music but everything reminds of something bad.

I'm not good enough.

I want to go sit next to Sawyer but I overhear another one of his conversations.

Surely he'd have learnt his lesson by now but no.

"I just don't want to spend time with her anymore. She is draining to be around, it's like spending time with a toddler with the amount you have to look after her." I leave the bathroom and lock my door.

I sit down at my chair and try to stop the thumping in my chest and the shaking in my body.

Come on Indie, come on Indie, come on Indie.

My whole body starts shaking and I find it difficult to breathe as I hyperventilate and cry.

"Please God. Please." I whisper over and over again and my panic attack just gets worse as I crawl to my closet and lay in there, my chest hurting from the rate at which the silent sobs are leaving my chest.

My head is killing me when I finally stop crying and when Sawyer calls for me, I have no energy to get up or respond.

He'd drained me as opposed to vice versa, like he had said.

I don't know how long I could go on like this.

"Ana?" He says as he enters my room and I'm so winded that I can't even open my eyes let alone open my mouth.

I feel the tears exit my eyes as I try to say something, anything to respond. I can't. This was just how it was before prom.

Sawyer said he would take me just to be nice and to restore the bad blood and I believed him, I always believed what he said because I loved him so much.

I was just about to get into the dress that I had worked so hard for to get but first I needed to make sure that Sawyer's outfit matched with mine so I was going to cross over when I heard him on the phone in our loft space.

"Yeah, I'm going to take Georgia instead. Georgia is way more popular than her, she'll bring up my popularity instead of decreasing it. It doesn't matter if I'm leaving, I've got to leave with a bang." I remember that was my first panic attack.

I locked my side of the loft quietly and then my door.

I remember how distraught I was and how I started shaking, hyperventilating and had my first panic attack in years.

I would not be able to show my face again and I didn't.

Sawyer tried and tried to get me to come but I couldn't. I was so ashamed and mortified that I even considered that it could be real and I never saw him again until we ended up here.

I remember the arguments, they were bad. Talking about how I stood him up when he was going to do that exact thing to do that exact to me and how I was a bad friend.

Were we ever friends?

I couldn't stand him but I thought he wanted to be my friend again and that's all I wanted, him.

He's still in my room, I can see him sitting on my bed through the crack in the closet door.

He stands up after he catches a glimpse of the box of stuff that I'm throwing away, it says 'garbage' on it.

He picks up all the stuff that is in there. My graduation gown from high school, my picture book and a lot of stuff from my past.

I get up slowly and wipe my tears. I turn my vanity light on and make sure I look presentable before walking out and he seems confused.

"Why are you throwing this stuff away?" He asks me as he holds up my graduation gown and picture book.

"I don't want them anymore." I shrug.

"I'll take this box for you." He says and I know he's going to keep them.

"Okay, do what you like" I say as I usher him away.

I didn't want to spend a minute longer with him.

I did but not in this very moment.

He leaves and the tears leave my eyes but I wipe them and ignore them.

I sit down at my desk and I look at the pictures of me in sports.

I used to dance and I still loved it but I couldn't afford it when I moved to university. I could still dance but because of all the lockdowns, I had no time to go back to an actual studio, instead practising by myself in my room.

I got into basketball as it wasn't an expensive sport at this university as the teams weren't good so people just played for fun, including myself but by the time we were doing championships, Francis had covered all my costs.

But dance was always my one true love and I just wanted to feel free again.

I get a message and I hope somebody has messaged me but it's just a new year's eve promotion and I realise that it's new year's eve and I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself.

I get into the bathroom and shower and wash my hair and do my skincare and after my hair dries, I put my hair into my bonnet.

I get into bed and I sleep.

***
I'm woken up when I hear music from the living room.

I get up and peek outside my door to see Sawyer sitting on the couch, listening to music and I close my door but he notices me.

He quickly gets up and hobbles over to me and comes into my room.

"Come outside and celebrate with me." He says and I shake my head immediately.

"I don't like New Years." I say and I go back to my bed.

He sits down next to where I'm lying down and he looks at me and I close my eyes so I don't have to look back at him.

He sighs and I look at him for a second. I know the last time he asked me to spend some time with him, he didn't actually and I ended up running away basically but I just wanted to try.

I look and see that he's in his pyjamas so I stay in mine as well and go outside my room and watch TV as he sits down next to me.

I eat some chips off the plate of snacks he's put out and shot some of the vodka and watch the TV in fake awe as I try not to notice how awkward this is.

When 'Thinking Out Loud' plays, I'm taken out of my false emotion and put into some very real ones.

I look at Sawyer who puts his hand out and I take it for some reason.

He turns it up and we dance.

He and I were dancing partners back when we were younger and he never stopped but I had to.

I know he must've known I missed it but he had no idea just how much. He had a broken leg and chose to dance with me.

This was the last song we did before prom and we would've danced together after that if I'd not stopped talking to him or stopped dance.

I find myself enjoying myself for the first time in forever.

When we sit down, I finally feel a little bit of peace.

It's nearly midnight and we watch the countdown.

It hits midnight.

"Happy new year, Indiana." He says and I look at him, my emotions intense.

"Happy new year, Sawyer." I say before I close my eyes and fall asleep.